Month: June 2002

Wow… Peter’s aggresivity today was completely out of proportion. I understand that probably I made a mistake telling him that his ex told me something I can’t tell him. I understand that might have made him be extremely confused and paranoic. But in no way I am going to let him insult me or treat me without respect.

All this makes me wonder, am I irrational and insultive when I go beserk?. Am I a person who you can’t talk to ? Am I completely irrational when I get angry ? Do I make a situation less serious because I make fun of what people say in order to remove value from their opinions?

Today I acted very mature in our conversation. I explained my point of view, telling him that I was aware that I’ve made a mistake. But I deserved respect and consideration, and in no way I was going to let him treat me like an animal.

This is something I should always remember “suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem”.

While I was chatting with Peter, I made some comments about the things I deserve from my friends/relationships. This is a work in progress, I guess.

[17:20] -> Pizzaman <-: #1 Necesito respeto de mis decisiones, opiniones y acciones. Espero consejo más no obligación. [17:21] -> Pizzaman <-: #2 Necesito respeto a las personas que me rodeen. Que te caigan mal no quiere decir que son pajudos o pajudas. [17:22] -> Pizzaman <-: #3 Necesito respeto hacia mi persona. El uso de palabras como Mama(X) o hijo de (X). Es un abuso de confianza, y degeneran en un envenenamiento de la relación. [17:23] -> Pizzaman <-: #3a También el Coño de (X) se incluye en el articulo anterior. [17:24] -> Pizzaman <-: #4 Te brindo mi apoyo y amistad, y trataré de ser fiel a los principios que consideron se en los cuales se basa una amistad del tipo : mejor amigo . Numero 1 en la escala de amistades de Luisito.
[17:25] -> Pizzaman <-: #5 No espero nada a cambio de brindarte mi amistad. El solo verte feliz, me llena el corazón y el espiritú de gozo y regocijo. [17:27] -> Pizzaman <-: #6 Los niveles de amistad que te brindo son basados en los niveles de amistad de Luisito, y solamente en ellos, los cuales son producto de años de experimentada amistad y de relaciones diversas con personas de todos los ambitos y rubros de la vida urbana.

As he arrived, he left, somebody called me when we were in the middle of the discussion. And while I was talking on the phone he left. I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid, and I hope he knows I’m his friend. I don’t know whether to run and catch him and give him a hug, or to just wait and let him cool off. I can’t be someone’s friend when that person puts my friendship in jeopardize because a stupid thing.

I’m bad bad bad…. I almost forgot that I have a Journal. What a great day today, I woke up early, went to they gym with Enrique and I really got the urges to start doing something else besides eating badly and sitting in front of the PC the whole day. I can’t wait until I go to the University in two months, I need to start doing something now, so I decided to join the gym and keep on working on getting my papers together so I get accepted to the U so I can start going to college again. So well, I will join the gym for the next two months, that way when I leave I will be energetic enough to withstand the shock of having to go to college. I still need to pay attention to the admission requirements and I STILL NEED TO FIND OTHER UNIVERSITIES so I have more options on where to study. I don’t think it’s gonna be THAT hard to join Johnson & Wales University but hey, still I better make my bet safe and find other options.

Thanks to Steve I found out that Safri Duo is doing today a performance in a straight disco, it’s only $10 so I think it’s a great opportunity to go out one day and do something different. I told Luis David, Update [17:32]: ‘s gay brother and it’s probable that I am going to go with him, although I could go with anyone or by myself I found it nice to go with him, also because he knows about Safri Duo too and he got all excited when I told him they were in Caracas.

Peter is STILL extremely pissed off at me, he was telling me very nasty things today. I think he blew all this totally out of proportions, but well, I’m trying to stay calm with all this. I know he needs support on this, but, I’m a human being too, and I think I deserve some respect. Gee .. I never though writing a diary could be so much fun, and the best part of it is that I won’t have my NOSY MUM reading it, cause it’s.. waaaaaaaaay out of her league.

Again I miss Luis Antonio, it’s been only one week since the last time we talked, and that day gave me strenght to understand that it wasn’t worth it to fight alone, or even consider hope in something that can’t be done on my own. I’m alone in this, it’s not even a fight, the fight was over the day he took that plane. He doesn’t thinks about me (i can’t prove this), he doesn’t remember about me (i asked him if he “did you thought yesterday about me?”, he answered “yesterday…mmm.. no”), he doesn’t care about me (in 8 months he hasn’t called once, when I asked him, he told me he doesn’t have money and he didn’t wanted to call collect). I could wait, I could be there for him, I could be there when he’s sad, i could be there when he’s lonely (at least thru messenger), but.. I don’t want to waste my life doing that, it’s not worth it. He hasn’t showed himself worth of my love and friendship, I mean. Even if I love him so much to keep myself from going on and making him part of the past. It would be a waste of time, not because of him, but because of me, I would be wasting my possibilities of something better for me. All this have showed me that I need to dedicate my life to something else, “love” and “relationships” doesn’t cut it for me. I still need to find that something else… GEE.. I don’t even understand what I am wrting.. fuck.. and there is a fly walking all over the screen .. I want to cry..

This afternoon I had a looooong conversation with my friend the shrink. Already we have talked about family, sex, relationships, depression, attention deficit disorder and many weird things. She likes to be in control, like she said, she has to be the cherry on top, if you know what I mean. Most of the conversation went me asking her questions, I was trying to pick on her brain, me being Dr. Hannibal Lecter and she being Clarice, she was playing along quite well. I’ve already found out that she’s bipolar, basic signs of histeria and she’s a control freak, she was hurt by men when she was a kid and now she has to be in control, so she won’t be hurt again. Seems like I’m the one who’s picking on her brain.

I just had a though, am I allowed to write about my friends ?.. well… this is my fucking diary and i write whatever I want I suppose.. I’m not telling anybody to read it or anything, from Venezuela only knows about it and he’s not telling anybody.

I had to cut the conversation with my shrink short because I had to mail a CD to or he will’ve kicked my butt, naa really I want him to have this CD, it will make him very happy. Although that with the new happenings in his life, I doubt he can be happier.

I wish what happened to , with his boyfriend visiting him and stuff, all the love, all the sweetness of the moment, could happen to me. I really miss Luis Antonio. I guess he’s part of a no more for me. I don’t even know what I feel right now…

I’m happy I will start a new life soon. This is what is keeping my hopes up right now.

Weird weird weird, usually I don’t talk with women thru messenger or ICQ, call me a sexist or call me anything, it’s just that I don’t like the usual teenage girl who, when I say that I am gay, runs away scared or closes the chat because they are looking for a guy who’s not gay. But today was different, a girl messaged me on ICQ and I started talking with her, in the end she was a phsycologist and to make the story short, she called me home and talked with me for around two hours, and I got to tell lots of things about my last relationships and life. She was real cool to do that, and told me she was going to call me tomorrow again. She was very impressed with the things I was telling her, especially my last relationship has been EXTREMELY weird, like an episode in Jerry Springer, but without the physical violence, but with the sex, betrayal, lies, and cheap people. I think she had a great time. Gee.. at least my life is of interest for a shrink, that is something ! 🙂

I felt like this was a very important thing to me, but Peter needed my help, so I kinda told him I was on the phone with my shrink and ignored him on ICQ, well he was extremely upset calling me a bad friend, and telling me I should never call him again. People are so used to me be there whenever they need me, that when I need time for myself I have to fight for it. Geee, I don’t want to deal with this, and basically he didn’t needed my help… Basically his exboyfriend is dating another guy, and he has told me about it, and Peter was pissed off because I wasn’t telling him all the details about it. Even that Peter is one of my best friends, I feel like I am betraying his exboyfriend’s confessions, and I don’t like to be put in the place to do bad things. I know that Peter is Peter and I love hiim very much, but… When should you betray your principles for a friend ?

my day .. I woke up .. sat on the computer.. talked on the phone .. ate a bag of plantain chips.. took a bath.. jacked off .. tried to learn more japanese.. watched TV … all this while sitting on the computer (except the bath part) .. I might be going out for a while later.. gee.. what a boring life.. I need change…

Following on my Japanese lessons. I would like to try to find some of my friend’s names in Japanese.

Ｎａｍｅ　・　Ｋａｔａｋａｎａ　・　Ｈｉｒａｇａｎａ　・　Ｋａｎｊｉ（Ｐｒｏｎｕｎｃｉａｔｉｏｎ）・　Ｍｅａｎｉｎｇ
Ｌｕｉｓ　・　ルイス　・　るいす（ｒｕｉｓｕ）・　有名（ＹＵＵＭＥＩ）　・　Ｈａｖｅ　ｆａｍｅ　
Ａｎｔｏｎｉｏ　・　アントニオ　・　あんとにお（ａｎｔｏｎｉｏ）・　賞賛(ＳＨＯＵＳＡＮ)　・　Ｐｒａｉｓｅ；Ａｄｍｉｒａｔｉｏｎ
Ｋｕｍａ’ｓｈｙ　・　クマ’シ　・　くまし　・　熊獅（ｋｕｍａｓｈｉ）　・　Ｂｅａｒ－Ｌｉｏｎ　
Ｂｅｎ　・　ベン　・　べん（Ｂｅｎ）・　息子（ＭＵＳＵＫＯ）・　Ｓｏｎ
Ｐｅｔｅｒ　・　ピテル　・　ぴてる（ｐｉｔｅｒｕ）・　岩（ＩＷＡ）・　Ｒｏｃｋ
Ｊｏｓｅ　・　ジョセ　・　じょせ（ｊｏｓｅ）・　増加（ＺＯＵＫＡ）・　Ｉｎｃｒｅｍｅｎｔ
Ｂｅｌｅｎ　・　ベレン　・　べれん

Ｆｏｒ　ｙｏｕ　ｇｕｙｓ　ｗｈｏ　ｄｏｎ’ｔ　ｈａｖｅ　Ｊａｐａｎｅｓｅ　Ｌａｎｇｕａｇｅ　ｓｕｐｐｏｒｔ　ｏｎ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｂｒｏｗｓｅｒ　：　

Yeah I know, i’ve been told a million times that I take too much time to do things. Like today for example, I woke up and of course sat in front of the PC. I didn’t brushed my teeth, I didn’t took a bath, I didn’t had breakfast, just sat there and did the usual things, check email, check the downloads, chat with my friends. Check some web pages (universities, japanese). In the end it’s not that I actually get many things DONE, because what I was doing have no begging nor an end. So well, my friend Belen called me on the phone and she invited me to go to her place, it’s this things we have been doing for the past few weekends, that I go there on saturdays and spend part of the day playing games, cooking or doing something. Well we talked like at 1:30 pm and she asked me if I wanted to go with them (she and her husband) to the supermarket, well, that was 1 hour ago, I’m still sitting on the same chair, in front of the computer.. It’s hard for me to stand up and get things rolling, especially when always find a million different things to do when I’m on my pc.

I get the feeling that my whole way of thinking is about introspection and self evaluation, DAMMIT, i want to live, i want to be, i want to feel happy, not be judging what I do and what I feel and why all the time. DAMMIT, I am doing it right now.. this have to stop……… !!!

I’ve never seen so much food all together. Today José Luis invited me to Taiko, a Japanese restaurant in Las Mercedes. Somebody called him and told him that Taiko were on 50% off day because Japan qualified on the World Cup. When we arrived he saw that some of his friends were there and we joined their table. We ordered a couple of dishes, sake, tea, but his friends ordered this nauseating amount of food. It was incredible. So we were eating there for 3 hours straight. His friends were nice people, nice people who like to talk. Afterwards we went to one of his friend’s place, they smoked some pot and talked some more. I think I could’ve had more fun, although there were times when I laughted a lot, but somehow it seems I can’t let myself loose. My stomach felt like it was going to burst open and food was going to get splattered on the walls. But I reached home and the bathroom on time. I feel much lighter now. mmm.. I don’t think taking a dump is something I should be writing about on my diary. But hey.. simple pleasures, life is full of simple pleasures.

It’s been a better day today, although I feel totally lazy and not productive. I haven’t done anything today. Although I woke up, I sat in front of the computer and chatted with various friends who were at their respective jobs. Later Steve came and brought some food, and we talked for a while, in the meantime I was browsing some Japanese language websites and was doing my first official lessons in katakana (ichi mootaasukuutaa – 一　モータースクーター), while talking about his new boyfriend and his boyfriend’s problems asuming his gayness, also I was browsing the web to learn a bit more about Dalí’s biography (his eccentricity and sexual problems), while downloading music (I finnally found the name from that drums group who used to played music in the Living Room gay disco in Mexico City, they are called Safri Duo, download Safri Duo – Played a life, do it NOW from HERE!

I think I should NOT use messenger, AIM, Yahoo Messenger and ICQ all at the same time, just because I CAN’T GET ANY WORK DONE.. People keep messaging me all the time, it’s not that I’m the most popular guy or anything, whenever someone finally disconnects someone gets on and wants to talk .. and since it’s easy for me to loose concentration… geee