HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU*

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I’m not the first to know there’s
Just no getting over you

You know I’m just a fool who’s willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can’t you see there’s nothing left for me to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you

But now there’s no way to hide
Since you pushed my heart aside
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying fool forget him
My heart is saying don’t let go
Hold on to the end, that’s what I intend to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you

But now there’s no way to hide
Since you pushed my heart aside
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

Olivia Newton John

*to my immensely liked boyfriend

Wellbutrin

Against people’s advice I went and bought Wellbutrin 150mg SR from one of those online pharmacies that does not require prescription. I’ve been taking it twice a day for the last week. I know it’s early to make a verdict, but I’ve felt a lot more energetic, I have a clearer mind, to think and rationalize thoughts. I think this was a great step. I have minor headaches and sometimes a little bit uncomfy, but those are minor secondary effects that are not bothering me at all.

!LOVE

Definitely I realized. All these years I was looking for something that is just an idea, a product of society, trying to maintain people under control. Creating non-existent ideas to subject others to constrain their impulses. Just following others like hordes, believing in something that is just not there. Fairy tales, from long dead authors that believed in mindless devotion based on the word “love”.

I realized that I don’t want to be loved. I want more clear words, I want respect, I want loyalty, I want solidarity, I want camaraderie. I don’t want to base relationships with others in something ethereal that I cannot measure, it’s just stupid. It’s too easy to say “I love you” like it’s easy to say “this is an act of god” and neither is true.

It took me a long time to shake off the stupidity. I take a long time to come to transcendental decisions.
I can think again.

Stupor

The world disgust me, it’s a horrible place to live in.

Sometimes like with love I fall in this stupor and I am not myself anymore, I don’t want to feel the stupor again, I don’t want to loose myself again and blind me of a truth that i know but i can’t face. I can’t face because I’m lost within my own needs of love.
Love does not exist, need supplants love. It’s the stupor, the stupid stupor that makes you unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. He will not bring anything into your life. He’s only going to take. Make the life bearable while filling his own needs. Whatever needs they are.
You know the truth, you just can’t face it because you’re scared.
Of what I ask?
Of not being loved.
You’re not loved anyways, because love does not exists and if it did you wouldn’t be loved anyways. Don’t fill the void with him, fill it with yourself.
Be proud, be certain, be firm, be yourself.
If love does not exist, then what do you expect from life?
Nothing. Expect nothing and everything you’ll get will fill you.

Disturbing in a good way. Ugly, sad, horrible, tainted, disgusting, crazy but in the end nothing is but everything can become.
You know the truth. Now use it. Believe in it and you will believe in yourself. That will make you stronger again.
The voices are quieter now. I can listen to myself again, and the stupor is momentarily gone. I am myself again. The one I love.
I don’t need it anymore. I won my freedom again. I can hug again. No anxiety of failure because there is nothing to lose. I have everything I need, nothing can be lost anymore because nothing is mine. It does not belong to me and will never belong.
I can think