19:58] -> Pizzaman <-: love ?... what fucking love [19:58] -> Pizzaman <-: love is a one way street.. [19:58] -> Pizzaman <-: i've realized that
Geez.. Seems like I have breath or sumthing, none of my online friends are talking to me.
I haven’t been able to sit down and properly tell the story about what went on during the last weekend. Well.. let’s see..
I was pretty excited about the whole thing, the fact that I met him at the same time that my ex was telling me he was not interested in me anymore made it kinda feel that destiny was playing with me, so i just wanted to play along. Roelo was very talkative and seemed very interested in me, that always makes me suspectful but since I had the green light at last I just thought what the heck, lets go for it. I shared his picture among friends and everyone agreed he was cute, so that was another hint that made me think I should go for it. I started thinking about all the possible consecuences of me staying there with him, I mean, I haven’t had sex in 2 years, kinda.. so .. well.. I’ve been kinda making an effort to hold on.. and it’s not easy. But Ive always thought that good things come out of sacrifice, well.. maybe i should start trying to stop swimming against the waters and just flow along.. like everybody else does..
So friday came by, and I just said, what the heck, I’ll just skip saturday and go and stay with him. So I took the bus to the airport, and I called him on the phone, he has this cute Afrikaans/Aussie accent that it’s very sweet, It makes it hard for me to understand him, partly cause I’m half deaf, but I always manage. So we meet in the airport and one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was how similar he was to Dee. Well.. for this we need to go back in history to when I was around 24, I met this guy online, he was from around the BC area in Canada, we became friends and then cyberboyfriends, we had this amazing online relationship for like a year or so, finally came the time for me to go on holiday and I thought that I should visit him. So I packed my things, but first I had to confess him something, I was not 17.. (yeah.. i lied) .. I was 23, although I looked like 17 so was not really SUCH a big lie (specially since i’ve sent him PLENTY of pictures of me in all states of being throught all the relationship), but then.. to this he replied that he lied as well.. he was not 17 etiher he was thirthy something. He sent me REAL pics of him after he confessed, and of course he didn’t looked AT ALL like the previous pics he sent me.. that crushed me, but I still thought that I could have a relationship or something, so .. I visited, well.. it kinda didn’t went as I expected, he sexed me and I didn’t enjoyed it.. I felt used and like a whore.. the story continues a bit, but that’s out of the point now.
Sooo.. I meet Roelo at the airport and he kinda reminded me how Dee looked like, that should’ve warned me about all this but well.. I was on OPTIMISTIC mode. So I played along. We got on the bus to his city, and I was getting mixed feelings about it all. Well, we got there, we had to go to this party, where all his coworkers were, I felt old, everybody there looked like … puter programmers.. LOL.. fat glasses and stuff like that, nice people in the end though. After the party we went to a Kareoke bar, was kewl.. I got to sing and yell .. was kewl ..
After that we went to the hotel room, we talked for a while, and well.. one thing lead to another and we ended up having *gasp* sex. I was still thinking that maybe I could have a relationship with him, so I didn’t really felt bad about it, I felt confused, and very passionate about it, I really wanted the sex. We woke up next day at noon with a headache from all the wine we drank. I started to feel kinda weird, we went to his office cause he had to drop something and wanted to show me the place, we ended up having a bike ride in the afternoon and dinner, was a nice day for me. After that we went to the hotel Onsen (japanese style community bath) and sauna, wow.. was awesome, really expensive hotel, everything in marble, and I got to be naked for a long time, I love to be naked, and it was fun cause there was this guy probably in his late 30s that was not hiding his need to stare at me. He was looking at me all the time, and of course since I was butt nakked running around and jumping around the Onsen, he got to see all he wanted. After Roelo and I went back to the room and later we had sex again, it was good, I wanted to be bottom so badly, but it just didn’t happened, I ended up being top, mm.. I don’t want to sound shallow or anything, cause I think I am not, but somehow this kinda made me realize that he was not what I was looking for, he’s full of love and good intentions but.. I can’t seem to enjoy that cause i wasn’t fucked. geee.. I’m stupid or what .. the other thing that made me feel bad was that I had sex with a guy I’ve known for just a few hours. Makes me feel cheap, but ohh well. I’ve waited for two years… so.. I ain’t cheap
The next day we went to disney tokyo, where we met some of his friends, it was funny but his friend’s boyfriend was hitting on me pretty badly, touching me everytime he could.. I enjoyed that.. it was fun to be wanted. I hugged Roelo from time to time, I enjoyed that too, but I know that I do it cause it’s a need I have, to be hugged to be loved, not cause I’m in love. Might I fall in love, I don’t know.. I’m not sure.. I don’t think so ..
I just think he’s not my type.
Sooo.. First I was dumped, I was unloved, now I find someone who loves me and I need more.. WTF, am I setting myself up here to be unhappy for the rest of my life ?
Soo… I feel weird.
I’m working now, came back from my weekend trip @ Makuhari. I feel kinda crappy. I had an okay time, there was plenty of sun on sunday so that made me feel good. I like sun.
Well, let’s see what I did on the weekend. I’ve been talking with Roelo since mid last week and I had real high expectations of the whole thing. I mean …
I don’t feel like writing shit..
don’t wanna think
where is natez ? I miss you !!
Well.. I managed to fix what I was trying to .. (novelll SHIT on a Win2k lapppy) but it’s already too late to catch the 5:30 bus.. it’s okay cause I’m supposed to work until 6pm .. so well.. I will catch the 6:30 bus and I will have more than enought time to get ready and fix myself so I look cute.. And since I’m so hot an irresistible then well.. you catch my drift
I’m going to meet this guy.. wow.. I feel sooo nervous.. I feel sick to my stomach
I’ve called Roelo like 5 times today.. I feel silly calling him so many times, he’s got this CUTE accent, like mixed british with afrikaans, I can’t understand parts of what he says. I wonder what the future has under it sleeve for me. Geez.. and I haven’t even met him yet.. I really hope I like him..