Month: April 2004

> > What does it feel like to be mercury toxic?
> >
> > It feels like you have lost all joy in life – but you
> > are so poisoned – and it came so slow – that you can
> > no more remember how life was before the poison.
> >
> > It feels like Living on the Edge – close to Death –
> > every day and every minute – but noone but you can see
> > or feel it..
> >
> > It feels like you are alive – but do not live.
> >
> > Life is something you look at from the end of a
> > tunnel… Reality feels unreal..
> >
> > It feels poisoned and weird..
> >
> > Vanja K.
> > Sweden.

I feel sad..
I feel despair..
maybe it’s the dmsa..

Well.. nothing interesting to talk about.. mmm.. I j/o, walked the dogs and cooked today. Watched the first 2 episodes of QAF 3rd season, hopefully I will be up to date to watch 4th season soon. I thought this was never gonna happen. I started taking DMSA again. God .. I feel like a fat old bitch, only talking about her fucking pains in her pussy and the medication she’s taking. I hate to feel sick or to take medication.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to flügtag. That will hopefully be fun.

After being on DMSA for only 2 doses on 100mg I feel much better. I need to clear this shit out of my body so I can become a person again. I feel crippled. My mind doesn’t work right.

Damn, I hate not having anyone to talk with. Like, I know all these people, but.. it’s like I can’t talk to anyone. Like … I don’t know.. I can’t open up.. I can’t say .. I can’t talk.. Like how can I tell someone about my problems if I don’t even know what they are. I don’t have real friends*..

Well. I guess I can always write about it.. and some day.. when I die.. and all the people that hurt me read my journal, they will cry and say. “OMG, I hurt poor Luis”… he didn’t deserved it..

Gee.. like.. really.. who gives a fuck.. I should do like XXXXXX said and just choose to be happy. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. yeah.. like fuck Im gonna believe it..

*sorry if anyone gets offended, but that’s how I’m feeling. Like .. I need human contact, people who are far away have to understand that for a friendship to grow to the level I would like to have it grow human contact is needed. Only one coupon per person. Voided where not valid. Redeem ME,VT,CA 5c

>
>

Soo.. I’m feeling shitty today. Tyler committed suicide the night before last. He was having trouble breathing because his liver was growing due to cancer, although if you’d seen him on the street you wouldn’t have noticed he was so sick. He was taking painkillers and drinking vodka to keep the pain down I guess. Jon is really sad. I have mixed feelings about everything and I have no one close enough to talk to. It sucks ass. Tyler was the closest person I had lately. We used to spend all day together, whether going to bear cut, the swamps, the park, the supermarket, or all the other places we usually did on our rounds. I’m gonna miss him a lot, and I’m dreading that, I’m gonna feel more lonely than usual.

This is the first time something like this has ever happened close to me. Having a friend commit suicide. It’s weird. For one, I feel good that all the things that he didn’t liked cease to create grieve to him. But one part of me wonders, could I have done anything to save him ?.. well.. I guess maybe… but .. I guess it was his decision, and the only reason I would have saved him would have been for my own selfishness of having a friend with me. I have to learn how to let go.

Very few people I’ve told about it so far. Most of the on line friends I have don’t know.

This is what death looks like, this is aging, this is sickness and surrendering to fate.

I drew a lot of motivation from Tyler. He helped me be happier and he was someone non judgmental to talk to anytime. I know I helped him be happy for a while. I had cool ideas of where to go and how to have fun. Together we discovered the swamps, the sushi picnics, we got stopped by police, and we would jump the fence to cross over to bear cut.*cry break* He encouraged me to go out with the kayak, and to keep cooking even if sometimes my dishes didn’t came out perfect.*cry break*

He was madly in love with Jon, everyday he would wake up to make Jon’s juice and breakfast, walk the dogs, feed them, take care of the house and also deal with me. I lived with him for 8 months, and many times I thought of him as, if I ever had another boyfriend, I would like him to be like Tyler.

I wish I had someone to talk on the phone with, but i guess i haven’t worked on making any friends in here.. it’s harder than I thought it would be.

Jon&Tyler as I knew them, ceased to exist.

I’ve been playing Knight Online a lot lately. 😀

Can you get any geekier ? I want this !! 😀

I took the dogs to the swamp and fell into the swampy river twice. The last time it was up to my neck. I had a nice time. I ended up with my pants torn open in the crotch area and all covered with mud, and my dick exposed.

Soo… today i went out with the kayak while Tyler stayed at home, i took the dogs with me. It was a nice day. I cooked grilled swordfish with baby greens, grapefruit and avocado salad.