Lately I’ve been putting all the crap I’ve accumulated over the past few years to use. I’ve been geocaching.com, it’s fun and easy. I’m not overdoing it though, just once every couple of days, we’ll see how it goes, helps me go out and breath a little. Air has been kinda dense here lately.
Making plans for a trip to China, will be around $2000 that I don’t have at the moment. Car has a tit on one of the tyres (aussie spelling). Should get a haircut soon, the bush is growing beyond any possible control.
Went yesterday to Singapura in Milton to have lunch with some of Roelo’s friends. Funny that has has some friends and drags me along to have lunch with them. I sit, eat, smile and listen. Barely talk, but I guess I barely talk no matter whose friends are they. I think I’m on a different gear, people think and talk too fast, I can’t keep up with them, plus most of the things they talk about are not things I’m aware of (mutual friends, cars, jobs) or not interesting for me (drugs they took, who is going out with who, etc).
Sometimes it’s not so bad =), the food was yummy, although I’ve been to that restaurant like 5 times already.. damn I think this post is going downhill, probably nothing that I can write about going on. Oh well, after the lunch went to James place and saw some photos of their travel thru Europe. Talked to James about travelling to China, I might go in January but probably it’ll be too expensive and right now I have other priorities, might end up going to New Zealand instead, although I don’t want to apply for the NZ visa..
So… Even though I’m single, totally unattached and not looking because of many reasons. Including I suppose I haven’t found someone good enough to replace the Idolatrous image I have from my ex boyfriends, lately I’ve been faced with a few small challenges on that area.
I guess the first one is my ex-ex going back into the game. Although it makes me feel good that he’s back to himself, the egotistic, materialistic, horny, sexual predator maniac he has always been. It still saddens me the simple and unequivocal fact that “it wasn’t me”. I feel so much idolatry for him that It’s really hard to wipe from my mind the question of, am I not good enough?, even if it’s silly and not something that has any real base on truth, because you cannot expect someone to feel something for you when it’s just not there. Even if you’re the ugliest or the most gorgeous guy on earth. But oh, well, I guess I’ll have to live with that.
It makes me feel good his life has been boosted as long as his ego and he’s feeling those things that he has felt so few times in his life. I haven’t really talked with him much about it, and usually when I talk with him, most of the questions I do ask are focused on the sexual part (guess I’m a perv too, sue me) but I hope things are riding along well as so is he.
Guess I have to move on because that train is never gonna stop in this station. But, then… what am I expecting?
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going out socially more on my own. Paul has been inviting me to his friends gatherings, and I guess that I’m not used to cause quite a stir in some people. A few people have “liked” me and well, I haven’t liked them back that way.
I mean, I’m not sure what would I do if the man of my dreams came down stumbling down the staircase. At this point in my life I have other priorities than to get intertwined with someone that will make my life much more complex. I’m sure I would love the attention and god knows I would love the never ending love making and closeness.
The very first thing that comes to my mind when I imagine myself getting involved with someone is that I have responsibilities in the relationship I am in with and I definitely don’t want to mess it up.
Another interesting perspective from where I look at the whole people liking me thing is the value I give to it. Maybe it’s totally stupid but for me beauty and coolness are two important factors, yah, I’m shallow.. or maybe I’m not.. I mean, aren’t those the primal impressions you get from people right after you meet them? Oh well, back to what I was saying, if the person doesn’t rank high up those two factors then the value I give it is low and hence the self esteem boost I get from it.
What about things in common, well, you know.. for starters I need a few good things in common with the person… Oh god, I think this post is going on the wrong direction, or maybe I’m just being honest with myself.
Oh, well.. this is an sms a received a few days ago and I’m still trying to figure out how to reply to:
“Glad you enjoyed the night. The mess was fine. Hmmm can I ask a question – I want to be up front I really like you and would like to get to know you more! My world has been tossed around since meeting you, both in what I see in you, your travel and also the way I feel a strong connection. Now that maybe just good friends, not sure. I am still trying to work it out. Now in saying all this I know it puts you on the spot, sorry! I like to be up front. Whatever your answer maybe i hope we can be friends. If nothing else meeting you is a very major event in my life and I thank you for that. If you want to chat about any of that let me know. Take care, Greg. :-)”
Got any ideas ?
Lately I’ve been playing with the camera, basically that. Well, I’ve been keeping Meraii company too, cleaning around, cooking. Did an awesome pork roast, very nice burgers with Dukkah pesto and a couple other things I’m too tired/unmotivated to write about.
I’ve been struggling with photography, I’m discovering how difficult is to be creative, it has never been my forté and it’s a side of me I’ve always thought that is undeveloped.
I chose photography because of several reasons like, it’s learning curve is not as steep as painting for example. It’ll push me to go outdoors. It’ll hopefully help me with my shyness. It’ll help me to look things with a different perspective.
Oh god this ain’t working.. going pretty random here..
I’ve been a little depressed lately, probably has to do with a couple reasons like being by myself lately.
okay .. I’ll leave this here..
ohh wait.. went to the movies with Emilio today, and checked the front of Pandemic Studios.