Day: June 17, 2002

Again I miss Luis Antonio, it’s been only one week since the last time we talked, and that day gave me strenght to understand that it wasn’t worth it to fight alone, or even consider hope in something that can’t be done on my own. I’m alone in this, it’s not even a fight, the fight was over the day he took that plane. He doesn’t thinks about me (i can’t prove this), he doesn’t remember about me (i asked him if he “did you thought yesterday about me?”, he answered “yesterday…mmm.. no”), he doesn’t care about me (in 8 months he hasn’t called once, when I asked him, he told me he doesn’t have money and he didn’t wanted to call collect). I could wait, I could be there for him, I could be there when he’s sad, i could be there when he’s lonely (at least thru messenger), but.. I don’t want to waste my life doing that, it’s not worth it. He hasn’t showed himself worth of my love and friendship, I mean. Even if I love him so much to keep myself from going on and making him part of the past. It would be a waste of time, not because of him, but because of me, I would be wasting my possibilities of something better for me. All this have showed me that I need to dedicate my life to something else, “love” and “relationships” doesn’t cut it for me. I still need to find that something else… GEE.. I don’t even understand what I am wrting.. fuck.. and there is a fly walking all over the screen .. I want to cry..

This afternoon I had a looooong conversation with my friend the shrink. Already we have talked about family, sex, relationships, depression, attention deficit disorder and many weird things. She likes to be in control, like she said, she has to be the cherry on top, if you know what I mean. Most of the conversation went me asking her questions, I was trying to pick on her brain, me being Dr. Hannibal Lecter and she being Clarice, she was playing along quite well. I’ve already found out that she’s bipolar, basic signs of histeria and she’s a control freak, she was hurt by men when she was a kid and now she has to be in control, so she won’t be hurt again. Seems like I’m the one who’s picking on her brain.

I just had a though, am I allowed to write about my friends ?.. well… this is my fucking diary and i write whatever I want I suppose.. I’m not telling anybody to read it or anything, from Venezuela only knows about it and he’s not telling anybody.

I had to cut the conversation with my shrink short because I had to mail a CD to or he will’ve kicked my butt, naa really I want him to have this CD, it will make him very happy. Although that with the new happenings in his life, I doubt he can be happier.

I wish what happened to , with his boyfriend visiting him and stuff, all the love, all the sweetness of the moment, could happen to me. I really miss Luis Antonio. I guess he’s part of a no more for me. I don’t even know what I feel right now…

I’m happy I will start a new life soon. This is what is keeping my hopes up right now.

Weird weird weird, usually I don’t talk with women thru messenger or ICQ, call me a sexist or call me anything, it’s just that I don’t like the usual teenage girl who, when I say that I am gay, runs away scared or closes the chat because they are looking for a guy who’s not gay. But today was different, a girl messaged me on ICQ and I started talking with her, in the end she was a phsycologist and to make the story short, she called me home and talked with me for around two hours, and I got to tell lots of things about my last relationships and life. She was real cool to do that, and told me she was going to call me tomorrow again. She was very impressed with the things I was telling her, especially my last relationship has been EXTREMELY weird, like an episode in Jerry Springer, but without the physical violence, but with the sex, betrayal, lies, and cheap people. I think she had a great time. Gee.. at least my life is of interest for a shrink, that is something ! 🙂

I felt like this was a very important thing to me, but Peter needed my help, so I kinda told him I was on the phone with my shrink and ignored him on ICQ, well he was extremely upset calling me a bad friend, and telling me I should never call him again. People are so used to me be there whenever they need me, that when I need time for myself I have to fight for it. Geee, I don’t want to deal with this, and basically he didn’t needed my help… Basically his exboyfriend is dating another guy, and he has told me about it, and Peter was pissed off because I wasn’t telling him all the details about it. Even that Peter is one of my best friends, I feel like I am betraying his exboyfriend’s confessions, and I don’t like to be put in the place to do bad things. I know that Peter is Peter and I love hiim very much, but… When should you betray your principles for a friend ?