Childhood

What I remember from my childhood..

Well, I’m famous for having bad memory so it’s not much what I rememeber, but I do remember being alone. Playing by myself, dressing up… Imagining I was somebody else in a galaxy far far away. I do remember arguing, getting hit by my brother every time we played it ended up him hitting me because of x or y and then me yelling and calling my mother. As I grew up I remember yelling and being yelled at, back and forth, very nasty insults words I don’t even think about anymore. Again having no friends and noone to talk about how I felt or just stuff. The classic scene was I ran to my room and closed the door, and then someone would beat on the door until it came out of the hinges, or when my mom used a 9″ chef knife to stab at the door, was scary to see the blade coming thru on the other side. I remmeber once my mother sending me to school all covered in milk and oatmeal, cause I was too slow to drink it, and I was still holding the glass when I was in the car getting to school and i accidently spilled it over myself and my mom didn’t cared and sent me to school like that as a punishment, of course the milk strated to smell putrid a lil while later.

When I was around 6 I remember my mother breaking a small guitar on my head because I wouldn’t eat fast enough and getting distracted easily. The most wonderful moment in my life at that point was when she went to sleep, cause I was alone, there was noone to hurt me. So I would play in the kitchen while I was supposed to be eating. Still I act that way, when I am with people I feel very pressured to do stuff.. you know, say the correct things, act the correct way.. not be myself.. but when people leave, I feel free… and happy ..

When I was around 12 I met my first friends, they weren’t really my friends but I met them thru my brother, and It was my first crush. But when I started attending his same highschool he stopped talking to me out of the blue. On that highschool I was made fun off so bad, they critizised everything about me, my teeth, my forehead, my nose, my hair, my clothes, my way of walking, of talking.. I was in constant scrutinous and I was disliked by most, except a few. I had always been strong enough and smart enough to KINDA defend myself to certain extent, so I was never beaten up badly. I remember once being tied to a fence though. And another time a guy smeared mango all over my clothing. At home things weren’t any better, I never asked for much, I was content with playing with what I had, I never wanted new stuff or new toys and the times I did was just cause I wanted to fit in with my peers, which never happened, cause I never got the right things or worn them the right way. I rememeber that we had a maid, and she was awful with me, but they kept her there.. just cause it was hard to find another.. i was once again confined to my own room.. trying to hide away from being hurt.

Highschool still hold the throne as the worst years of my life, and of course my parents were too busy doing jack shit to care, and I guess I was too stupid to demand attention and complain. Things wouldn’t get much better after that, I finnaly graduated from 5 years of hell. I went to college, which proved a hurdle I could not jump over, I spent the next 5 years going to a college where I didn’t knew anyone, and flunked everything all the time. Until I eventually dropped out of frustration. I finally got a small group of friends. From that group, my first sexual experience at age 22, and after going thru the trauma of accepting that I was gay.. I was dumped, cause he as he said, he was not attracted to me at all, he just wanted to experiment for like two years.. and well. I was there.. and he didn’t knew anyone else that was gay. This lead me to a very bad depression, for almost a year.. I felt like I’d lost my mind, I would hear voices at night that would not let me sleep. Telling me what I did wrong, and why I was such a looser. That was my 1st Ex and the first proof that love wouln’t change anything in my life.

After that I started to go to another college, which i ended up dropping out from 3 years later. I found another bf but this time I wasn’t in love so I dumped him. I feel in love with this guy, we were togeher for 1 year but he dumped me cause I wasn’t furfilling his needs, and there was surely something better out there. After a month of being heart broken I found what proved to be the most devastating relationship I’ve had to date. You see, I’ve never worked, so I spent all day with my bfs, so for me they were my life, my purpose.. what I wanted to have.. was a nice relationship. But…. well.. i got bored about writing about my crappy life.. who cares anyways..

Luix Kidd


Luixkid_a
Originally uploaded by mercurytoxic.

This was taken in La Florida, Caracas. When I was a kid.. I don’t have a clue of what age I was .. I would guess anything in between 4 and 10. lol. Recently I remember someone saying that I was a ugly kid. To which I agreed, and yeah.. I suppose this is the proof.

I wonder if I can get arrested for posting my own naked pic online. *giggles*

Today in the life

Today..

Software

  • PhatNet for Pocket PC .- Packet Sniffer

TV

  • Watched the 1st episode of Bewitched .- I was a fan of it when I was a kid, used to love to watch the reruns of it but I have never seen the 1st episode ever of it, so it was a rare treat. Totally cool.

Food

  • Yesterday’s leftovers chicken satay skewers and salad (feta, greens, blasamic)

Games

  • CounterStrike Source

Misc

Lately I’ve been trying to stream from my PC to my laptop full length movies and the such, It’s such and enourmous bandwidth that I’ve been having some problems with it. I’ve came with two solutions:

Transcode original movie on the fly wth VideoLAN (VLC, http codecs:WMV+MP3) on my windows XP and watch it on the pocket PC using Betaplayer.
File and Printer sharing on Windows XP, and Play it on Betaplayer.

The second solution is rather rough but plays sorta well on a network with enough bandwidth. I’m amazed a pocket PC has enough power to play a 640×480 movie compressed with Xvid+mp3.