The world disgust me, it’s a horrible place to live in.

Sometimes like with love I fall in this stupor and I am not myself anymore, I don’t want to feel the stupor again, I don’t want to loose myself again and blind me of a truth that i know but i can’t face. I can’t face because I’m lost within my own needs of love.
Love does not exist, need supplants love. It’s the stupor, the stupid stupor that makes you unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. He will not bring anything into your life. He’s only going to take. Make the life bearable while filling his own needs. Whatever needs they are.
You know the truth, you just can’t face it because you’re scared.
Of what I ask?
Of not being loved.
You’re not loved anyways, because love does not exists and if it did you wouldn’t be loved anyways. Don’t fill the void with him, fill it with yourself.
Be proud, be certain, be firm, be yourself.
If love does not exist, then what do you expect from life?
Nothing. Expect nothing and everything you’ll get will fill you.

Disturbing in a good way. Ugly, sad, horrible, tainted, disgusting, crazy but in the end nothing is but everything can become.
You know the truth. Now use it. Believe in it and you will believe in yourself. That will make you stronger again.
The voices are quieter now. I can listen to myself again, and the stupor is momentarily gone. I am myself again. The one I love.
I don’t need it anymore. I won my freedom again. I can hug again. No anxiety of failure because there is nothing to lose. I have everything I need, nothing can be lost anymore because nothing is mine. It does not belong to me and will never belong.
I can think

I installed Windows 2000 in a spare P2 that was laying aroun

I installed Windows 2000 in a spare P2 that was laying around here, took me a while cause it wouldn’t read my rw cds. After that installed exchange 2003, but the job offer was for knowledge in exchange 5.5, and since it’s much less complicated, I got it too. Uninstalled exchange 2003 and installed 5.5. So now I’m trying to set it up and learn as much as I can about it. It’s for a job offer I got from to work at Microsoft in Irving, Texas doing enterprise level tech support.

I’ve been following an auction for a rav4 on ebay. I really like it .. it’s blue and cute. Maybe not the greatest car in the world… but I like it and i think it’s a good price. (now it’s 4 am in the morning and the auction is in 5 hours 30 mins, would i be able to sleep so little and wake up in time for the auction?)

I’m also buying a laptop, a sager 8890 from Seems they are out of stock in UXGA screens, so … I’ll have to wait until they arrive, IF they do… I’ll be the squeaky wheel.

I haven’t gotten my final driver’s license yet, cause i can’t seem to find a car to take the driving test with.

I have plenty of things going on right now, and some days I feel I’m not accomplishing much. But it takes a lot of effort and organization not to spend my whole day just chatting, or sleeping.

I love even if he thinks I’m old. 🙂