Month: October 2003

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I’m not the first to know there’s
Just no getting over you

You know I’m just a fool who’s willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can’t you see there’s nothing left for me to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you

But now there’s no way to hide
Since you pushed my heart aside
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying fool forget him
My heart is saying don’t let go
Hold on to the end, that’s what I intend to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you

But now there’s no way to hide
Since you pushed my heart aside
I’m outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

Olivia Newton John

*to my immensely liked boyfriend

Against people’s advice I went and bought Wellbutrin 150mg SR from one of those online pharmacies that does not require prescription. I’ve been taking it twice a day for the last week. I know it’s early to make a verdict, but I’ve felt a lot more energetic, I have a clearer mind, to think and rationalize thoughts. I think this was a great step. I have minor headaches and sometimes a little bit uncomfy, but those are minor secondary effects that are not bothering me at all.

Well finally I got a car. I finally bought the 1996 Rav4 that I’ve always wanted. It’s blue, 2 door and mega cute.

Definitely I realized. All these years I was looking for something that is just an idea, a product of society, trying to maintain people under control. Creating non-existent ideas to subject others to constrain their impulses. Just following others like hordes, believing in something that is just not there. Fairy tales, from long dead authors that believed in mindless devotion based on the word “love”.

I realized that I don’t want to be loved. I want more clear words, I want respect, I want loyalty, I want solidarity, I want camaraderie. I don’t want to base relationships with others in something ethereal that I cannot measure, it’s just stupid. It’s too easy to say “I love you” like it’s easy to say “this is an act of god” and neither is true.

It took me a long time to shake off the stupidity. I take a long time to come to transcendental decisions.
I can think again.

Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Yup , totally inaccurate.

I wrote that after watching Total Eclipse.

The world disgust me, it’s a horrible place to live in.

Sometimes like with love I fall in this stupor and I am not myself anymore, I don’t want to feel the stupor again, I don’t want to loose myself again and blind me of a truth that i know but i can’t face. I can’t face because I’m lost within my own needs of love.
Love does not exist, need supplants love. It’s the stupor, the stupid stupor that makes you unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. He will not bring anything into your life. He’s only going to take. Make the life bearable while filling his own needs. Whatever needs they are.
You know the truth, you just can’t face it because you’re scared.
Of what I ask?
Of not being loved.
You’re not loved anyways, because love does not exists and if it did you wouldn’t be loved anyways. Don’t fill the void with him, fill it with yourself.
Be proud, be certain, be firm, be yourself.
If love does not exist, then what do you expect from life?
Nothing. Expect nothing and everything you’ll get will fill you.

Disturbing in a good way. Ugly, sad, horrible, tainted, disgusting, crazy but in the end nothing is but everything can become.
You know the truth. Now use it. Believe in it and you will believe in yourself. That will make you stronger again.
The voices are quieter now. I can listen to myself again, and the stupor is momentarily gone. I am myself again. The one I love.
I don’t need it anymore. I won my freedom again. I can hug again. No anxiety of failure because there is nothing to lose. I have everything I need, nothing can be lost anymore because nothing is mine. It does not belong to me and will never belong.
I can think

I installed Windows 2000 in a spare P2 that was laying around here, took me a while cause it wouldn’t read my rw cds. After that installed exchange 2003, but the job offer was for knowledge in exchange 5.5, and since it’s much less complicated, I got it too. Uninstalled exchange 2003 and installed 5.5. So now I’m trying to set it up and learn as much as I can about it. It’s for a job offer I got from volt.com to work at Microsoft in Irving, Texas doing enterprise level tech support.

I’ve been following an auction for a rav4 on ebay. I really like it .. it’s blue and cute. Maybe not the greatest car in the world… but I like it and i think it’s a good price. (now it’s 4 am in the morning and the auction is in 5 hours 30 mins, would i be able to sleep so little and wake up in time for the auction?)

I’m also buying a laptop, a sager 8890 from powernotebooks.com. Seems they are out of stock in UXGA screens, so … I’ll have to wait until they arrive, IF they do… I’ll be the squeaky wheel.

I haven’t gotten my final driver’s license yet, cause i can’t seem to find a car to take the driving test with.

I have plenty of things going on right now, and some days I feel I’m not accomplishing much. But it takes a lot of effort and organization not to spend my whole day just chatting, or sleeping.

I love even if he thinks I’m old. 🙂

Thanks for the reality check.. I was not sad.. i guess i needed it .. deleted my profile in gaydar, realized it was serving no purpose, there is no point of having a profile there if you’re not looking to hook up. Soo.. I’m 32.. i don’t like guys my age, and of course people younger than me won’t like me, not cause i look too old (i probably look 23 or sumthing like that), but cause I’m ugly, but .. i don’t want an ugly bf either… so .. who to blame.. i totally understand people who won’t talk to be cause I’m ugly.

Do you know that I’ve never made a friend on the street, like, someone that talked to you and exchange phone numbers..

checked gaydar.. my ex is 24/7 there.. and now octavio, who was always been his “friend” is there as well..

i need to re-evaluate some things in my life..

can’t keep looking for love… i wasn’t meant to be loved..
i should have learned that in 32 years of stupidity..
..
well..
like natez will say..
fuck fuckity fucking fucked fuckoo fucker fuckublic fuckeroo fuck.

*bows*

from my ex-ex boyfriend…

[02:54] -> Pizzaman <-: i have a problem [02:55] -> Pizzaman <-: i don't like people my own age [02:55] -> Pizzaman <-: i think they look old and used [02:55] ╠ﮒcaҜ╣◘ evil³: lol [02:55] ╠ﮒcaҜ╣◘ evil³: I have the same problem [02:56] ╠ﮒcaҜ╣◘ evil³: ::p [02:56] ╠ﮒcaҜ╣◘ evil³: reason why I'm not with you [02:56] -> Pizzaman <-: 🙁 what a self esteem booster, don't you think ?