As my weekly “I miss Luis Antonio day” passed by I felt extr

As my weekly “I miss Luis Antonio day” passed by I felt extremely sad. Although I spent most of the day at Belen’s place, cooking, drinking, playing computer games, talking and just hanging I just felt, even though I don’t want to say this, somehow empty, and I know it’s not because he’s not here, because the problem is not him, the problem is me. It’s basically how I look at things.

As always I had a great time ay Belen’s, and as always I wasn’t there while being there. Fuck.. I’m so fucked up..

Okay day today, more gym.. I like the gym, makes me feel nor

Okay day today, more gym.. I like the gym, makes me feel normal. In the afternoon friends wanted to go out with me. Sometimes I feel saturated, like if I needed time alone, and I’m not getting enough. I went to a mall to eat and look at some pants I wanted to buy. I want to buy pants with bell bottoms. I ended up not being able to buy anything because my bank cancelled my check card, (long story involving them sending my new check card to some unknown address in Miami). I ate lousy chinnese fried rice, and some pick pockets stole a friends Discman from his backpack. That kinda made me feel bad because it was my idea to ride the metro instead of driving there. But I do understand that it wasn’t my fault, and it could’ve had happened any other time. I’m free to make decisions and they are not in direct relation with furtive events.

Still LA crosses my mind 1000 times a day, it gets tiresome to think alone, to think and rethink things over without any kind of feedback. Without knowing what he thinks, what he feels/felt, what he wants or not. Well.. whatever.. thanks god I know I’ll live.. and someday, it’ll be part of my past, and my bad memory will take care of it.

I’m spending too much time and energy with others, I don’t want to be all the time with friends, I need time alone, I realized that being with LA consumed all the time I had, but it left me empty, because in the end, I wasn’t doing anything for me. I want to do things for me, instead of just wasting my time talking nonsense. Like I said in previous posting, it’s not that I don’t love them, it’s just that I need time for me.

was very sweet last night, he called m

was very sweet last night, he called me at 4:00 am to tell me that he was talking with some friends about me. He was remembering when I used to pick him up at his highschool after clases and bring him pistachios and roses. Those were very sweet moments. We stayed talking for around half an hour and then I went to sleep again at 4:40 or so.

I had some ugly nightmares about Luis Antonio, I don’t remember exactly what they were about, but I slept uneasy. I woke up feeling awful. I didn’t do anything that I was supposed to do in the morning.

Yay !!!!!!! Dear Luis: Yes, you should still be able to

Yay !!!!!!!
Dear Luis:

Yes, you should still be able to make it for the September 2002 term. We
are sending you the letter below which states which documents you still need
to submit.

Sincerely,

Ms. Judy Matafome
Admissions Counselor
Johnson & Wales University
8 Abbott Park Place
Providence, RI 02903

This was my biggest concern at the present moment… a weight lifted off my shoulders.

<lj user=”charmed” />

I’m happy for , although he hasn’t written in his journal in like five days. I know he’s doing great, and he’s happy cause his boyfriend is back with him, he told me yesterday he was going to call me in the evening, but he didn’t. But it’s okay, he’s happy, busy… and happy. I do miss talking with him though, but anyways, right now I got more people around me than I can handle. I’m usually content with just one, having many people around me makes things complicated cause I try to please everybody, all the time (except when it comes to money.. hehe).

Happy

FINALLY !!! .. I ordered the documents I need from the University, in 10 days I’ll have everything I need to send in my hands (except the certified tranlations, but I need to have all the documents to get the translations done) . I had chinesse food for lunch AGAIN. In the last month I’ve eaten like 15 times there.

While I was eating I was reading a book, it’s called Feeling Good by Dr. David M. Burns. It talks about how to deal with depression. I was reading a chapter about how some people need to please others to achieve acceptance, that in turn gives them a sense of approval. I think I am like that, I feel if I let people down they won’t like me anymore or love me anymore, I need to work on this, because I know it’s not a matter of self worth, it’s a matter of knowing when I can, when I feel good doing it, and when not. While I was reading the book I though a lot about Luis Antonio.

I don’t need people’s approval to be happy, I have enough common sense to make my own decisions. I need to work harder for myself, not for others, just for myself. That is not selfish, it’s just a path. Because when I get emotionally stable enough I will be able to share more.

My left foot hurts a little bit, I hope it’s not tendonitis or something like that, I will try to keep high impact exercises to a minumum for a while.

Peter’s been here the whole day, he’s my friend, and I love him very much, but I know I need to be alone… I need my space.. but he has nowhere to go, and I don’t want him to get sad. I’ll deal with it within myself…

Miyamoto Musashi: Kettô Ganryû-jima

Gee.. yesterday I didn’t posted anything probably because I was kind of depressed/busy/tired/pissed off. My day started by going to my old college “Universidad Nueva Esparta” and finding that they could not process my request for certified programs because I didn’t knew how many semesters I studied there, that after waiting for almost a month until they opened the requests period for certified stuff. They promised to call in the afternoon to tell me how many semesters I attended, and surprinsingly they DID.. they did called at around 3 pm (they told me they called at 1:30 pm but I wasn’t home). So they told me I had attended 7 semesters but I didn’t passed anything on the last one (of course I didn’t, I didn’t went to clases, not even for a single day I think). Well, at that moment I knew how much I needed to deposit at the bank, so I could make the request.

After that everything became more complicated, first, .. well.. actually I think it was before going to the U, I chatted with Luis Antonio for a while and he asked me “when are you was leaving?”, I replied “leaving where to?”, he said “to Ohio”. (he doesn’t know yet where I am going to exactly, I said Ohio a while ago because I thought about applying to a University there). I said “In the end of August”. To which he replied “I am going back to Caracas by the end of August” (in spanish his exact words were “regreso a Caracas a finales de Agosto”). I don’t exactly know what he means by that but at first it kinda confused me, made me think many things, I still love him very much and I still care for him and for what he do. But I no way I am going to risk again myself and my future, so I just think now.. “it’s cool if he comes to Caracas again, I wish him lots of luck and that he becomes successful in every path he follows”, maybe someday, in the future, who knows. But right now, my education is first. I’m gonna miss him very very very very very much….

I need to get out of here though, and he’s not the appropriate person to take this endeavour with, because he’s not loyal enough, maybe in the future when he matures a little bit more…

In the afternoon Peter was here and Enrique came to visit and burn some cds. While we were here Belen called and asked me if I could do her a favour, if I could leave everything and go to her place cause she was having problems with her computer, I felt awkward, this kind of situation always happens to me, people asking me for stuff, and I feel like I need to please everybody, I think he understood, but she realized I had previous plans, I had a hard time telling her.. It shouldn’t be so difficult for me… afterwards we went to have dinner (chineese food). Very yummy !!!.. I was kinda down, so after that we just left the movie I’d rented the previous day Samurai III, Duel at Ganryu Island and I came home to sleep.