Month: June 2002

Haven’t done anything today, barely eaten just a can of tuna, drank a lot of water. I am definetely bored. Just one week more until I finally can order the UNE transcripts, hopefully I will have them by mid july. I feel lonely today, although yesterday I went with a friend Enrique to the gym and in the afternoon I went with another friend José Luis to a mall, there I met one of his friends. I finally arrived home at 11:00pm or so.

Today I also finished comparing the programs of Johnson & Wales, UNE and UNIMET, so I could check out on which courses I can expect transfers to be approved.

I really feel lonely, but what I don’t understand is why I don’t go around looking for people at least more friends, maybe because people brings problems, necesities and takes a lot time and effort, and I guess that sometimes I don’t want to invest too much of my time on people. I think I should go out and eat something. I need to focus on doing things that will help me grow as a person.

Just waked up like 2 hours ago, I called Enrique to go to the gym but he didn’t answered the phone, either he went to they gym earlier or he’s still sleeping. I don’t know if I should go to the gym today. I feel sore from the previous days, and I think I do need to rest. Also Belen asked me to go to her house and help her fixing the satellite dish. Well, since noone seems to be around, I guess I will just find some fitness software, I would like to build some body mass, and I know I won’t receive too much help from the instructors at the gym, so I’d better do things myself and learn about what I want to do with my body.

note to self : I need to move as soon as possible

I’m still a little bit down from yesterday depression, but anyways, feeling better. Another day, went to the gym, I was like 6 minutes late for the metro, and Enrique had to wait those minutes, I don’t want this to happen any more. Next time he tells me he’s in the process of getting ready, I have to start the process too.

The day at the gym went cool, I’m not very strong so I can’t handle too much weight, but that doesn’t worry me a bit. I need to find my old records of weights and repetitions so I can have a good basis on how to train correctly. I like the steam bath, today I was all by myself there.

Everyday that passes by I’m closer to the gateway, that will let me be free.

I am depressed… I am pissed off… Why this fucking things have to happen to me ?.. Just because I’m naive and stupid people have to hurt me so bad ? Dammit … Why Luis Antonio was so mean to me? I hate it .. I’m not a bad person… I don’t deserve this.. It’s been 7 months already and I’m still hurting and he doesn’t even remember about me I’m sure. 3 years we spent together, 3 years.. fuck.. I hate everything, dammit

Today was my first day at the gym, it was cool… I’ve always been energetic enough so it wasn’t that hard for me, although my upper torso and arms have always been very weak, like everytime I’ve been to the gym before, it’s difficult for me to really push it with that part of the body. On the cardiovascular workout I think I did pretty well, I was a little tired after a while and of course I would’ve never been able to run the NYC marathon but it’s my first day and I did a lot. Also the steam bath was cool or I might sat HOT, at first I was kinda worried because I’m shy, and I wasn’t kinda looking forward to see Enrique naked, but luckily he came to the steam bath with a bathing suit while I was wearing a towel, so I didn’t felt ackward and he didn’t either, these are the moments when I’d rather not know anybody. There was this nice looking guy the second time I entered the steam bath, but I didn’t even tried to make eye contact or anything, thanks GOD I’m completely sure I’m not looking for any complications at this moment. Everything in it’s due time.

Like when I was in Mexico and I went to Zipolite a clothing optional beach and since there were people I knew a little bit, I was too shy to get naked, and these people were hitting on me, and I didn’t wanted to give them the pleasure of looking at my nakedness. In the end, at the 8th day I think ( i went there since 12/25/2001-~01/03/2001, I finally took everything off and walked naked for a whle and swam naked also, it was very fun and I enjoyed it a lot, and in no way for me it was a sexual thing, luckily noone of the group I was with saw me naked, but lots of other people did, and it was very fun. It’s weird how some people in the end uses excuses like this to take advantage of the moment to distort everything into something sexual. Zipolite was magical for me, I was soooo deeply tanned because of all the sun I was getting, I had no worries whatsoever, I had nice friends there, I ate good food, sometimes too expensive for the price of food I was used to in Mexico City, but it was great though, eating granola with yoghourt, lots of fish, enfrijoladas, enchiladas, entomatadas, tamales.. yummmmmmmm !

Seems like it’s been a long time since the last time I wrote in here.. weird, cause it’s been just hours. But I’ve done many things lately, yesterday I stayed up late talking on the phone with basically listening and trying to be somehow his psycologist, friend and shoulder where to cry. At the same time I talked a lot about what has happened in my life in the past few years and how I think I kinda spent a lot of effort in devoting myself to relationships and forgetting about me as a person. He has come a long way since we first met back in 1996, I’m happy to have seen the evolution and I’m proud to be his friend and I would be even more proud of him when he achieves all the important goals he has to achieve in his life.

I kinda realized too that somehow love is a temporary thing for most people, and probably for everyone love is something that can’t be maintained 100% of the time, and because of that there are other sentiments that must be developed for a relationship to be able to withstand the erosion that time imposes, some of them are respect, idolatry, consideration, solidarity and many more I suppose. I guess all these sentiments must be etched in the person’s paramaters of life, but also must be earned.

After yesterday’s party today I woke up kinda late, and of course it was too late to go to the gym with Enrique. Gee, what a great way to start my new endeavour that not going. Oh well, I can start tomorrow better, and I this way I won’t feel sleepy like I do today.

I feel like I would like to talk with Luis Antonio, but I kinda feel too that it won’t be such a nice talk anyways. I don’t know if it’s from being angry, envious, mad, jealous or what, but everytime I talk with him and he tells me how great he’s doing and how wonderful are the things he is doing I feel horrible, and then I know he doesn’t even care to think about me at those moments, so what’s the whole point in talking with him at this point, I guess that (and it’s not even what I want real deep inside, because what I want real deep inside is to love him and be with him and be loved back) I need to take him out of my system, just like how I did with Update [17:42|06/19/2002]: Due to requested clarification, I wanted to note that taking someone of my system means, that it doesn’t HURT anymore what that person does, I still love with all my heart, and in my mind he’s one of the most special persons that have crossed my path, BUT now it doesn’t hurt anymore what he do or who he dates or who he… and give him another status in my life, the moment I can do that, is the moment I will be looking at him as a friend again. What I am afraid of is loosing him altogether, as a boyfriend(lost), as a lover(lost) and as a friend.

Also all this comes from his lack of principles, how can people be so cheap to sell their souls this easily. Maybe it’s just that for me it’s been fairly easy in many ways. But remember Luis, it’s not just that he wanted to go to college so, he had no other options but to sell himself. He was looking for it, he was happy with it, and he had conversations with them for months. So whatever happened it’s not my problem anymore, my problem is here, with me.. my problem is my happiness and no more it’s besides him basically because he doesn’t want it anymore, and I need to understand that, and forget about him.

WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

This was one of the happiest moments of my life lately!!!… I actually saw Safri Duo perform live.. in a small disco, just steps from me.. I was so excited, dancing like a madman.. wow.. and it’s not cause I’m a fan or anything, it’s because they are part of a very special moment for me, an experience I had in a gay disco “Living Room” in Mexico City, where I realized I can enjoy music, I can enjoy dance, I can enjoy life, and be truly happy for a moment, enjoying.

They played played a life at least 5 times !!!!!!!!!!! TOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOL

It was one of those moments, when you are dancing, dancing so hard, that you think you’re gonna faint, but it doesn’t matter, you think. If I faint I will be really happy anyways, I can’t miss a beat, and you keep shakin’ and dancin’…

Happiness is easy to achive, if you go step by step, enjoying every little thing along the way…

Somehow my reaction with Peter was some sort of window to many things, I feel that since he’s my friend but he’s not “everything in my life”, I could talk and rationalize better than how I could talk with for example my ex boyfriend.

When you care in an out of porportion way about someone else, you tend to react in out of proportion ways when problems arise with that person, and if that person doesn’t care about you in an out of proportion way then that person is not going to understand your out of proportion reaction. I wonder if I am like that. Although I know I was very patient and understanding with Luis Antonio.

Geee. I need to go, it’s getting late, and I’m supposed to go to Mediterrano with Luis David…