Author: pizzaman

Be honest with people,especially friends and friends of Xavier, they're offering an opportunity to have fun together and they're not there to judge you or hurt you. 

Keeping to myself, not engaging only will further away the vicious cycle of isolation -> depression. which deprives myself from one of the most basic of human needs. 

I think that you, by not telling Xavier that you love him, you're just being an idiot when he sincerely loves you.. 

Depression taints everything around with negativity and sadness and blinds you to the good, otherwise making yourself focus solely on only the negative even if it means complaining about the only burnt kernel in a bowl of popcorn. 

I want to love like a child while still able to function as an adult, or behave like one. 

During the experience, the dichotomy between child and adult surfaced quite a bit, the oppressive influence from the adult part of me forces my inner child to restrict itself from surfacing and this curtailing creativity, fun, spontaneity, happiness and only leaving depression, anxiety and fear. 

But why? why do you have to do anything ? why I forget? 

Remember all this ! Because this is how to enjoy and have fun Because if you're so scared of getting hurt then you don't go out and play. 

The ability of psychedelics to decouple the default mode network, which is associated with high order cognitive functions from the medial temporal lobes which are associated with sensory input processing. This separation, I imagine, caused the increased insight into my habitual behaviors , the dissolution of boundaries between myself and the world, and the so called ego dissolution.  Which gave the ability of my “true self”, the unrestricted, child-like , fearless self to come out and ask myself to go out and play. 

don't be an idiot in a prison in solitary confinement just because you're scared.

This relates to my pervasive to view that I live in this self imposed isolation with the obvious, self harming consequences. 

Why I talk in 3rd person, when this is all me?

maybe it's easier to keep thing separated this way, because it hurts less.

But if you love more. It'LL HURT LESS! Love more and do pretty things with Xavier🐾

He's a pretty cool guy! I approve him lots

Who am I? Who is writing all this? 

This is you, and you are cool and people for whatever reason like you. 

You are allowed to go outside and make friends, and play! 

This reassurance from what felt like an authority figure, felt honest and truthful.

At this point in the session, I went to the bathroom and in the child-like state, the sense of wonderment about simple things, like how interesting the mechanical waste bin, or intense colors were, all filled me with happiness.

Experience started by taking 2 grams of mushrooms orally, they were grounded to a powder and were kept in the freezer, 

I was asked to measure them myself, I think that involving the patient in the process is a great idea, gives you a sense of power and decision. We talked for a little bit about random subjects and when the Therapist sensed that it must be time he asked me to lay down, while he sat on the other side of the room. 

The beginning of the experience was a little bit like being drunk and/or about to fall asleep, but with a little bit of apprehension, I was scared what would happen if I fall asleep let go. I was scared that I would fall asleep and miss the work that I should be doing, it took me a while to understand that in the mind there is no sleeping. Once I let go, I felt a sense of connectedness that I haven’t felt ever. I felt that I was part of the world, and even if the house and walls were still there because I could see them, I felt they were not dividing, but instead I could see the trees moving, I could feel the music, I could enjoy the smoke coming out of the chimney, I could feel the wind roaring. 

I think that’s where my ego,, the defensive-intellectual executive function part of my mind finally let go, my mind was finally clear, my movements fluid, and my true self  was able to finally come out. – Many thoughts were running thru my mind, from just enjoying watching the trees move and finally understanding why people love music, because I could see and listen the beauty of it. 

But I was concerned I wouldn’t remember the important and deep thoughts that my true self, the one not clouded by the overbearing ego, was sharing with me. That’s when I asked the therapist for a notebook, and I started writing. My arm felt fluid, my writing smooth and my thoughts flowing. 

These are the messages I wrote to myself. 

so don't forget how awesome everything is and tell Xavier I love him a lot. 

THERE IS NO SHELL

this is in reference to what I call shell or “clenched fist”, to the feeling that my mind at some times is not open,able to think clearly, able to relax and let go. In a continuous cycle of ruminating thoughts. 

Feel connected! because even little mistakes don't matter

the feeling of being part of the world and that there is no mistakes because everything is part of everything 

you have nothing to prove anyone. 

that pervasive feeling of inferiority, when in reality I am many good aspects of myself. 

Remember to have fun! and share the fun with Xavier instead of being all miserable and grasping to the little bits of joy you sadly can't reach from the inside of your shell. 

Don't be an asshole and share kindness and happiness with people because that is what every one wants. See if you can help spread around that. It'll make everyone happy and make yourself more cool. 

This is in reference to my dreams from childhood of being / becoming one of the cool ones and how can that be easily achieved by being nice to others. 

Don’t be selfish Don’t be jealous 

IT'S FINE!!  Really!

It’s hard for my ego to understand then so I wanted to make sure to pre-emptively give reassurance.

I know you still don't trust me and you're going to go back in there . 

Ego is powerful and well developed modern human part of the self that lives in the pre-frontal cortex. He wants to be in control to protect me, but there is very little to protect me from anymore. The bullies from school are not here, the thieves from Caracas are not here, my physically abusive brother is not here, my uninterested father is not here, my well intentioned but verbally and sometimes physically abusive mother is not here, I was smart. enough, resourceful enough and wise enough to leave all that very for away.. 

Having bought the foc.us v2 developer edition 3 months ago, I have to say I was a little bit scared to try it out. Hadn’t done extensive enough research on all what is known about its effects, positioning or safety to confidently experiment with it.

Today I decided to finally finish the measuring of the scalp, quite a bit difficult to be precise if done alone. Peeled and placed the moovs hydrogel pads anode on F3 (DLPFC) and cathode on FP2 (supraorbital) as suggested by plenty of research (i.e. tcdsplacements.com ) and started the gamer mode (tDCS, 1.5mA, 10mins, 20V.) in the foc.us v2.

I have to say I was feeling quite excited to have them on, like playing with a new toy I have to say. Concluded the session and since I’ve read that sessions go for 10~20 minutes, decided to go for another 10 minutes even though the device warned me not to.

The first session was quite comfortable and enjoyable. Just a bit of tingling of the electricity evenly distributed on the pads. Several times as I pressed on the electrodes with my hands to make sure that the pads were making full contact I saw small bursts of light or phosphenes. I realized that every time I did that the foc.us v2 cut the flow of electricity as a measure of safety. For the last 2 minutes of the second session I started to feel a bit uncomfortable but just soldiered on.

After I removed them, checked my skin to see of there was anything different; there was not, checked the pads to see if they were still sticky; they were and packed everything away neatly, I felt some sense of sadness. Not really sure why. Will have to set up a schedule sessions probably every two days and see if there’s any changes in my mood.

Mood is a approximation of how I’m feeling based on the Get’Appy app for Android on a scale of 1 to 22. 1 feeling depressed and 22 feeling joy.

Mood before session : 16:16 -> Contentment (16)

Mood after session : 17:57 -> Pessimism (14)

Obviously this doesn’t mean anything at all, since I can’t really tell my mood from moment to moment precisely, and only infer my mood based on cues.

Thus I have to say, just wanting to write about the experience is good enough cue that at least it was exciting.

 

The test is complete. Here are your results; scores are between 0 and 4. Trait Score Percentile Warmth 1.9 / Warmth is how nice to people you are. Low scorers are impersonal, distant, cool, reserved, detached, formal and aloof. High scorers are outgoing, attentive to others, kindly, easy-going, participating and like people. [less] Reasoning 2.8 / Reasoning is how good at abstract thinking you are. Low scorers prefer common sense, high scorers prefer abstract thinking. [less] Emotional stability 1.5 / Emotional stability is how in control of your emotions you are. Low scorers are reactive emotionally, changeable, affected by feelings, emotionally less stable, easily upset. High scorers are emotionally stable, adaptive, mature, and face reality calmly. [less] Dominance 1.6 / Dominance is how assertive you are when dealing with people. Low scorers are deferential, cooperative, avoids conflict, submissive, humble, obedient, easily led, docile and accommodating. High scorers are dominant, forceful, assertive, aggressive, competitive, stubborn and bossy. [less] Liveliness 0.5 / Liveliness is how much energy you display. High scorers are serious, restrained, prudent, taciturn, introspective and silent. Low scorers are lively, animated, spontaneous, enthusiastic, happy-go-lucky, cheerful, expressive and impulsive. [less] Rule-consciousness 1.6 / Rule-consciousness is how much you abide by authority. Low scorers are nonconforming, self indulgent and disregard rules. High scorers are rule-conscious, dutiful, conscientious, conforming, moralistic, staid and rule bound. [less] Social boldness 0 / Social boldness is how socially confident you are. Low scorers are shy, threat-sensitive, timid, hesitant and intimidated. High scorers are socially bold, venturesome, thick-skinned and uninhibited. [less] Sensitivity 1.9 / Sensitivity is how much you can be affected. Low scorers are utilitarian, objective, unsentimental, tough minded, self-reliant, no-nonsense and rough. High scorers are sensitive, aesthetic, sentimental, tender-minded, intuitive and refined. [less] Vigilance 3.1 / Vigilance. Low scorers are trusting, unsuspecting, accepting, unconditional and easy. High scorers are vigilant, suspicious, skeptical, distrustful and oppositional. [less] Abstractedness 2.6 / Abstractedness is how imaginative you are. Low scorers are grounded, practical, prosaic, solution oriented, steady and conventional. High scorers are abstract, imaginative, absent minded, impractical and absorbed in ideas. [less] Privateness 2.7 / Privateness is how honest you are about who you are. Low scorers are forthright, genuine, artless, open, guileless, naive, unpretentious and involved. High scorers are rivate, discreet, nondisclosing, shrewd, polished, worldly, astute and diplomatic. [less] Apprehension 2.9 / Apprehension is how troubled you are. Low scorers are self-assured, unworried, complacent, secure, free of guilt, confident and self satisfied. High scorers are apprehensive, self-doubting, worried, guilt prone, insecure, worrying and self blaming. [less] Openness to change 2.2 / Openness to change is how not stuck in your ways you are. Low scorers are traditional, attached to familiar, conservative and respect traditional ideas. High scorers are open to change, experimental, liberal, analytical, critical, free-thinking and flexibile. [less] Self-reliance 3.8 / Self-reliance is how contained your needs are. Low scorers are group-oriented and affiliative. High scorers are self-reliant, solitary, resourceful, individualistic and self-sufficient. [less] Perfectionism 2 / Perfectionism is how high you standards are for yourself. Low scoerers tolerate disorder are unexacting, flexible, undisciplined, lax, self-conflict, impulsive, careless of social rules and uncontrolled. High scorers are perfectionist, organized, compulsive, self-disciplined, socially precise, exacting will power, control and self-sentimental. [less] Tension 1.8 / Tension is how driven you are, crossed with impatience. Low scorers are relaxed, placid, tranquil, torpid, patient, composed low drive. High scorers are tense, high energy, impatient, driven, frustrated, over wrought and time driven. [less] OTHER PERSONALITY TESTS >>

My Nexus 4 3DMark result: 9942

I did a new aspie quiz as of today. Interestingly the results seems to follow the exact same pattern as the last time I did the same test two years ago. This I find to be very revealing.

Today:
Your Aspie score: 84 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 122 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical
Aspie quiz results 19/10/2012

14/10/2010
Your Aspie score: 106 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 87 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits

“The fact that the universe is more remarkable than the fairy tales that were talked about by bronze age illiterate peasants before we knew the earth orbited the sun… we should celebrate… there’s no need for god” – Lawrence M. Krauss


monsterxx15 repositories # cave moo
         _________________________________
        / Unknown command 'moo'           \
        \ (paludis::cave::UnknownCommand) /
         ---------------------------------
                \   ^__^
                 \  (oo)\_______
                    (__)\       )\/\
                        ||----w |
                        ||     ||


This is the workflow I used successfuly to properly modify and send to Exherbo for review my first commit which was a version bump of feh.

.- Modify the proper repository under /etc/paludis/repositories/ by adding sync = git://git.exherbo.org/rbrown.git local: git+file:///home/mercurytoxic/repos/rbrown to the required conf file

.- Make a local directory to act as repository mkdir /home/mercurytoxic/repos

.- Git clone to local with git clone git://git.exherbo.org/dev/rbrown.git

.- Modify the exheres needed located in /home/mercurytoxic/repos/rbrown…

.- Commit with git commit -a

.- sync sudo cave sync -s local rbrown and test sudo cave resolve -x1 feh

.- Modify/Commit again until everything is perfect

.- Reduce all commits to just one with git rebase -i

.- Create patch, format it and pastebin it with git format-patch --stdout -M -C -C -1 | wgetpaste -r

.- Submit the patch to #exherbo in freenode as !pq http://paste.pocoo.org/raw/xxxxxx/ ::rbrown

Second time updating roundcube mail to support OTP with yubikey. Process was fairly simple following instructions in https://github.com/northox/roundcube-yubikey-plugin

Install the code from https://github.com/northox/roundcube-yubikey-plugin.git

Add to config/main.inc.php:

$rcmail_config['plugins'] = array('yubikey_authentication');

Add to plugins/yubikey_authentication/config.inc.php and set the id and API key from Yubico:
$rcmail_config['yubikey_api_id'] = '';
$rcmail_config['yubikey_api_key'] = '';

Then, within roundcube webmail, in each user you can select if you want to set up a yubikey or not under settings.

Voilà, two factor authentication webmail https://mail.luisaranguren.com