Be honest with people,especially friends and friends of Xavier, they're offering an opportunity to have fun together and they're not there to judge you or hurt you.
Keeping to myself, not engaging only will further away the vicious cycle of isolation -> depression. which deprives myself from one of the most basic of human needs.
I think that you, by not telling Xavier that you love him, you're just being an idiot when he sincerely loves you..
Depression taints everything around with negativity and sadness and blinds you to the good, otherwise making yourself focus solely on only the negative even if it means complaining about the only burnt kernel in a bowl of popcorn.
I want to love like a child while still able to function as an adult, or behave like one.
During the experience, the dichotomy between child and adult surfaced quite a bit, the oppressive influence from the adult part of me forces my inner child to restrict itself from surfacing and this curtailing creativity, fun, spontaneity, happiness and only leaving depression, anxiety and fear.
But why? why do you have to do anything ? why I forget?
Remember all this ! Because this is how to enjoy and have fun Because if you're so scared of getting hurt then you don't go out and play.
The ability of psychedelics to decouple the default mode network, which is associated with high order cognitive functions from the medial temporal lobes which are associated with sensory input processing. This separation, I imagine, caused the increased insight into my habitual behaviors , the dissolution of boundaries between myself and the world, and the so called ego dissolution. Which gave the ability of my “true self”, the unrestricted, child-like , fearless self to come out and ask myself to go out and play.
don't be an idiot in a prison in solitary confinement just because you're scared.
This relates to my pervasive to view that I live in this self imposed isolation with the obvious, self harming consequences.
Why I talk in 3rd person, when this is all me?
maybe it's easier to keep thing separated this way, because it hurts less.
But if you love more. It'LL HURT LESS! Love more and do pretty things with Xavier🐾
He's a pretty cool guy! I approve him lots
Who am I? Who is writing all this?
This is you, and you are cool and people for whatever reason like you.
You are allowed to go outside and make friends, and play!
This reassurance from what felt like an authority figure, felt honest and truthful.
At this point in the session, I went to the bathroom and in the child-like state, the sense of wonderment about simple things, like how interesting the mechanical waste bin, or intense colors were, all filled me with happiness.