Last night I cried myself to sleep. Tears were wetting my pillow. I was very sad, because I’m very hurt. Still, after two years I am very hurt and very lonely. I was thinking “please stop the pain”, and suddenly for the first time in my life I thought about death as a possibility. Maybe it’s an alternative to my unhappiness. After tossing and turning all night, I managed to get some sleep. Not without the usual nightmares about my ex telling me this or that sexual adventure he had. Almost two fucking years has passed, but still, he’s not the source of my unhappiness, although he has added inmensely to it.
I can’t blame him though, he was just trying to find his happiness, and people do that all the time. Was his ways special?, did he hurted me in a incredible different way?, did he abused me physically and mentally? NO !.. I don’t think so, or at least not to a greater extent. He’s just a stupid SOB, trying to manage his life, as everybody does, and on the way taking advantage of others that are more stupid than him.
The thing you need to know is that when you deal with someone’s feelings it’s a very fragile situation, becuase you never know for sure how sensitive or not the person you are dealing with is. You never know how much emotional damage you might leave after you suddenly feel that you don’t care about the relationship anymore.
It’s a very confusing ambivalence that I feel, the trying to understand people and their actions and the suffering and pain that they convey.