Month: February 2003

Bright day today, had my first final. Did well… Had Japanese classes, did well.. went to the mall with a friend, everything went well..

I wake up. Get hooked up [to the computer]. Wanna go out. Have nowhere to go. It’s scary out there. Go nothing to do. It’s safer locked inside. Only know few people. Don’t wanna call. People are too busy. Don’t wanna bother people. Nothing really interests me anyways. Feel hungry. Got nuthing to eat. Scared of going to the cafeteria. But really hungry. Haven’t eaten much. Take a bath. Noises in the room. Dry with the dry towel. Get dressed. Have to wear my protective gear. It takes time to prepare. Everything gotta be perfect or I might get hurt. Yet again. Didn’t met anybody. But hey.. Didn’t got hurt :). A new quest have been conquered. Come back. Lock the door. Get hooked up again. Time passes by. A new day went by. No friends. Only far away ones. Who don’t realize that I cannot be loved. Cause I have a nasty disease. Fungus growing out of my eyes and ears. Gotta die again. Only to be reborn next morning and relive the nasty routine of having no routine.

I wake up. Get hooked up [to the computer]{it’s my safe place}.
Wanna go out{Wanna be happy}.
Have nowhere to go{depression+lack of motivation}.
It’s scary out there{I might get hurt like when I was a kid}.
Go nothing to do{No energy}.
It’s safer locked inside{Least probable place where to get hurt by others}.
Only know few people{donesn’t have a lot of friends}.
Don’t wanna call{I have this nasty habit of not calling people cause I think I’m gonna bother them and they’re gonna cut me off}.
People are too busy{for me}.
Don’t wanna bother people. Nothing really interests me anyways{It’s safer this way or I might get hurt}.
Feel hungry{haven’t gone out}.
Got nuthing to eat{haven’t went to the market}.
Scared of going to the cafeteria{people can be nasty}.
But really hungry. Haven’t eaten much. Take a bath. Noises in the room{ghost?}.
Dry with the dry towel{clean towel=no pimples}.
Get dressed{so people approve how I dress, how I smell, what I wear and what I am}.
Have to wear my protective gear{to keep a safe distance from people}.
It takes time to prepare{so they cannot make fun of me}.
Everything gotta be perfect or I might get hurt. Yet again. Didn’t met anybody{I only focused on my plate}.
But hey.. Didn’t got hurt 🙂{course asshole, you didn’t talked with anyone}.
A new quest have been conquered{yay for you}.
Come back. Lock the door. Get hooked up again{here we go again}.
Time passes by. A new day went by. No friends. Only far away ones. Who don’t realize that I cannot be loved. Cause I have a nasty disease{i’m ugly}.
Fungus growing out of my eyes and ears{and dumb}.
Gotta die again{sleep}.
Only to be reborn next morning and relive the nasty routine of having no routine.{or being a depressed guy with PTSD}

Why?
I think cause I forgot to take my aminos this morning

Had classes today. Did an oral presentation about Triage. I was kinda nervous. Last oral presentation, on thrusday, went a lot better. I was aggressive, specially at the questions my peers asked. They were intentionally silly questions, just for fun, but I answered them agressively and made them look dumb.

This week I start finals. I have to study hard to keep the good grades I have so far. Tomorry I have appointment with shrinky. I went to the mall and bout new red jeans and necklace, I had fun.

Naa.. he’s not reading anything.. 🙂

Woops.. Seems my ex is reading my journal, cause after I posted my entry about him he went totally silent. Gee.. Now I feel guilty. Well… it’s the truth… and well..
ohh.. he just messaged me again… 🙂 Yay !

Last night I had dreams, mmm.. I’m beginning to think that whenever I have a aminos at night I get to dream. It’s fun to be able to dream.

I’m currently chatting with my ex. He talks and talks about him, his life, what he wants.. I’m glad for him and everything. But still it annoys me. And well.. usually when we talk, I’m just waiting to hear the part when he says what he wants, usually it’s money.

As much as I miss him, it needs EXTRA human endurance to still talk with him. Ohh… and the only time when he really talks is when he talks about him and what he wants. When it’s about something else his answers are monosyllables.

I’m bored… Been all day indoors doing nuthing.. !!! I should go to the movies or something… I’m hungry too !!

Thursday night I was so tired. I spent the night on the computer helping people. Relationships were broken and I helping my friends get them fixed. My best friend, she has been married 8 years, and just found out her husband was cheating on her. My ex-ex, has this weird relationship in which he and his bf are arguing bf 75% of the time, and they have been on and off for a while. A friend from NYC has this wonderful relationship, but he’s risking it because he’s 17 and he has never experienced being with another guy (besides his husby), and he’s lusting over other guys. And this are only the ones I can help with. I was so tired, I stayed up until 6 am chatting with them. After that my computer broke down. I felt so frustrated…

In the afternoon Delia dropped by, she wanted me to go with her to the mall to do some shopping. I was so tired I was just thinking about what excuses could I make up so I wouldn’t have to go to the mall. But in the end I just went and had a nice time. She really enjoys my company when she shops and it kinda made me feel gay, cause I was helping her pick things. Getting into the dressing room with her, and commenting on the colors and how her boobs looked too big or too small. hehehe… I felt so nellie.

After that we just to her place and I hanged around in there for a while, I bought some Samuel Smith’s Oat Meal Stouts and some sushi. Ate, watched TV, drank. After a while I came back home. Talked with my best friend and she’s doing much better. She has hopes now. She’s thinking about the possibilities of mending the situation rather than jumping out of a window.

I went to sleep early, and now… It’s early… what should I do today?

nel·ly or nel·lie
n. Offensive Slang pl. nel·lies
Used as a disparaging term for an effeminate homosexual man

Why there is a need on most of the realtionships I seen around me to make the “loved” one suffer. I see that all the time. On most the relationships I see around ( and I’m sure this includes YOUR relationship too), there is this need to TEACH the other a lesson by HURTING him. Nonsense, there is no need to hurt. In love there is only place for love. People cheating on each other, people lying, people hurting, people making others do things they don’t want to, people hiding, people not sharing their feelings, sincerely, most of the relationships I see around me basically SUCK. I hate to say this, but i feel lucky to be alone