の暴言オタクひきこもり
I’ve been playing warcraft at belen’s most of the day. People have been saying that I look good, they even complimented me about my glasses and my haircut, that makes me feel good, and basically reflects how I’m doing internally. It’s good to know that feeling good shows. I like my eyewear very much, even though they were the cheapest ones on the store I’m really happy I bought them.
I should start taking the aminos twice a day.
It feels good to be free.
I forgot to take the aminos today and I felt the difference, I’m happy I found a natural way to cope with something that was wrong with me.
I had a haircut. I got more hair trimmed than what I would’ve wanted, but it’s okay cause I have a cleaner cut now. I need to make a good impression where I am going.
Finally I got the plane tickets to Providence:
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Today after a couple of weeks without hearing from Luis Antonio he talked to me again. It’s sad but he only talks to me when he needs somethinng, now it was to help him with something he downloaded. I guess part of it is my fault, it’s something that has happened over and over in my life, I end up feeling used by people. Sometimes I feel that they don’t really care about me, but about themselves. He barely asked me how I was doing and then in a blunt way, asked me if I was going to help him or not. Of course I was evading helping him.
I feel weird. I guess a little sad, but that’s normal.
Waked up at 4:30 am .. went downtown again to try to get my ID Card, no luck.. damn.. At least I got to eat very good pastries from a local bakeshop.
Gee.. I change something in my routine and everything gets screwed up majorly. I don’t know what I’ve been doing since Thursday, basically playing computer games the whole week (Army Operations, Warcraft 3 and Neverwinter Nights). I don’t know what’s wrong, I haven’t been feeling depressed, and I haven’t missed LA as much as I used to miss him. But things have been kinda weird.
I stayed at home on friday and saturday and just played computer games, on sunday Peter came by in the afternoon and soon José Luis came too. We went out and had dinner together.
Today I just stayed home, and faxed and called my bank, the university, the travel agency. I completed a lot of the things I gotta do before taking off to Providence. But I still have to do many things. Let’s see..
Today I almost got my Identity card, after going to two offices of the government each on opposite sides of the city, I finally decided on going tomorrow morning 5am to get a fucking ticket.
Everything is okay in my life. I am happy. The university accepted me. I’m going to sell my car in the next few weeks, buy the plane tickets, pay for part of the tuition, arrange the details, and off I am. I’ll miss my friends, but hey .. I don’t get to see all of them that often, so it’ll be more or less the same thing, with the difference that I’ll be 100000 miles away.
I’m eating well (kinda), taking vitamins and aminos. Fixing my body and my mind so when I start college again I’ll be 100% productive. I’ll make some decisions this weekend on which residence hall i’ll be staying.
All the documentation from Johnson & Wales arrived today, I have a BUNCH of papers to fill. ! Yay !!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy !
weird day yesterday. I finally bought my new aminoacids, it’s one of those bottles of aminos for weigth training. I bought this one because it includes all the aminos that i could have deficiency and also it’s a mixture made for bodybuilding so I’m killing two birds with one stone. Treating depression (amino deficiency “Phenilalanine and Thyrosine”) and helping my body grow.
After I came home from the gym, people started asking me to do things. Belen wanted to play Warcraft, Luis Luis wanted to go out because he was bored, José Luis wanted me to with me to shop for new eyewear, Enrique called me and wanted to talk with me on the phone and finally Christian called and needed a big favour. Needless to say I got mixed feelings about it all, I wanted to help/be with everybody but I couldn’t so I got pissed off and didn’t knew what to do. I ended up picking up José Luis and Chrisitian and taking the latter to some guy’s home in a neighborhood kinda far away “La Lagunita”. The guy we went and visited was very nice and asked us to come inside and have some drinks. I drank a couple of vodkas and I was kinda feeling happy already. After a while we left, and I was driving. I decided to take a different way than the one we came from. After driving for a while and making fun that I was kinda drunk we found that the road was blocked because some big construction was in the way. I was turning around when one of the wheels of my truck fell in an open drain. Since the floor was wet because it had rained and there were mud all over I thought we were stuck, I tried to drive out of it once and I decided we were stuck. The fun thing about it is that I wasn’t concerned at all, I was smiling and happy all the time, I wasn’t worried at all. It crossed my mind about the pain of finding a tow truck and stuff but I didn’t cared too much. After being stuck for around 10 minutes or so, and Christian and José Luis trying to find ways to get the wheel out of the drain. Christian used the jack to raise the wheel a bit and asked me to backup. The car came out very easily. I was extremely hyper, and started talking and talking about everything went fine and I was happy to have friends who worked problems out. We left that place. After driving for a while I had this police car behind me when my car turned off by itself, it’s something that has been happening to it from time to time, but this time it wouldn’t turn back on. The police car stopped and had a flashlight and with it we were trying to find what happened, at first we thought we had ran out of gas, but soon we realized it wasn’t that. Then Christian thought about maybe it was something with the coil. I realized the cable from the coil was loose, i connected it again, turned the car on, and everything worked out easily. Still I was happy and dandy the whole time.
After that I took Christian home and I went to have dinner with José Luis. Weird day as I said. But the best part of it was my mood.
4:00 PM
Dear Luis:
I am pleased to inform you of your acceptance to Johnson & Wales University.
We are preparing your I-20 today and will send it to you via DHL. We still
have not received your TOEFL results. So, your I-20 will say that you are
not yet proficient in English. However, once we receive the TOEFL results,
we will change your major from English as a Second Language to Information
Science.
Sincerely,
Ms. Judy Matafome
Admissions Counselor
Johnson & Wales University
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5:30 PM
Well finally I got the letter of acceptance, at first I was completely sure I was going to be accepted, but as time passed by and I got more and more anxious, I started doubting. Finally I got what I wanted.
My reaction when I read the letter wasn’t as I expected, or sadly it was as I’ve been always, not many emotions ran thru my brain, very cold. Then I got pissed of at TOEFL and at my bank for the problems I’ve had with being able to pay TOEFL to make them send the grades to Johnson & Wales. After a while I felt sad, on the verge of tears. I can’t explain why, cause I don’t know. That link, that is obvious, between actions/events and emotions seems a little hazy. Someone told me that maybe you are scared… I don’t know for sure.. but what i know that is on my mind all the time is Luis Antonio… but I don’t know for sure why am I sad.. someone asked me wasn’t this what you wanted ?.. yeah, I want to go, I am sure I want to go.
6:00pm
I don’t know myself, I’m not sure of my emotions. I’ve been reading more about Providence and Johnson & Wales, and I’m reasurring myself that I want to go. Yup, i’m totally sure I want to go. I’m smiling. Although it doesn’t show. I’m smiling inside.
It all started at 7pm, I went to Luis Luis home, picked him up and went to the rave. Very good party, lots of dancing, lots of very interesting people. It was very very enjoyable night, i had very good chemestry with Luis Luis and we enjoyed the night very much. We ended up staying until 9 am. The music was great. I thought about Luis Antonio many times during the party, I thought that I could’ve enjoyed more of our relationship.
I wanted to make clear that my depression is not something new. I’ve remember being depressed as early as elementary school. But the episodes I remember mostly are when I was in highschool. Things went very wrong when I was a teen and I was sad most of the time. I’ve been having this recurring depression thought all my life, and this has stopped me from enjoying completely most of the things I’ve done in my life. With time it has only gotten worse and worse.
Luis Antonio is not guilty for me being depressed. It’s the way I handle things and the cognitions (thougths) I have. Instead my depression has been one of the main causes of the failure of my relationships. I am tired.. I will write more tomorrow
