Month: July 2002

Yesterday was Luis Luis’ (Luis Antonio’s little brother) b-day so I decided invite him to go out somewhere, after a complicated nigth of going to several differente places and not going in because of one reason or another we ended up going to The Flower. This is a place that has Techno music and a younger crowd. We danced until 5:30 am, drank red bull and a couple of beers. All in all was a nice night, and I am happy that he got to go out to a disco for the first time after being 18.

Luis Antonio’s image came to my mind several times last time, but I managed not to say his name once during the whole nigth. Sometimes I almost got relieved he wasn’t there, because that way there was noone I will have to worry about.

Phone has been ringing the whole day, I don’t feel like answering because I know it’s someone who wants to go out somewhere, and I just want to play neverwinter nights.

Last night I had this weird nightmare, my mom decided to go away and live somewhere else just before I had to go and start school. So I was left to take care of the house. She took my SUV and she was driving wildly making u-turns with the brakes locked. Going abroad to study, at this moment, is a huge decision for me, but I haven’t considered not going. I know I need to.

I’ve been writing on my journal for one month already !! .. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I just hanged up the phone after talking for a an hour or so with Melvin. He’s one of ‘s gay brothers. He was telling me about his sad relationship with a guy who was using him. He knew it. But, Melvin was content with just seeing him.

When we have experienced lack of love, we crave for it, and even if we only get crumbs we end up begging for them. He have to stand up for ourselves and not let people that doesn’t love us, use us. I can’t be afraid. I must stand up for myself. I must love myself over everything and everybody. I can’t forget about myself ever again.

I feel extremely ashamed about the ugly experiences that I lived with Luis Antonio. He doesn’t love me, even though he claims he does. He never loved me, even though he claims he did. And I know all this because he repeatedly hurted me badly. And there will be memories that I will be ashamed of for my whole life. I can’t crave for love. I don’t need love to live. And the next time I give myself to love, I won’t end up begging for crums.

Not having access to money really screwed my routine up. I couldn’t buy my breakfast, so I could not go to the gym. I didn’t had enough money for the bus. I mean. I could stay at home and eat whatever was in the kitchen, but couldn’t do much more than that. I solved the problem asking Belen to cash me a cheque from an american bank. Now I can go back to my old routine of going to the gym every day! weeeeee !..

Also I realized that one definetely source for depression is lack of proper nutrition. I must keep eating regularly to keep my mood up.

Konnichi wa -> Hello
Watashi wa Aranguren Ruisu desu. -> My name is Luis Aranguren
Hajimemashite -> Nice to meet you
Watashi wa daigaku-sei -> I am a college student

I missed one day of gym, because I didn’t had money to go there and I felt kinda bad.

I don’t have anything to say today.. been complicated with my cancelled check card, it’s gonna take 10 days until I get my new check card. So basically I am left without check card access to money. I could do a wire transfer but it’s gonna take 3 days and it’s gonna cost me $40, or I could ask Belen to change me a check, or lend me some money in the mean time. Lets see.. let’s say I receive my new check card by the 15th of august, I need :

$10 For friday’s Luis Luis Party
$180 at $5 a day for food
$100 or so for the translations
$70 or so to Fedex the Documents to JWU
$50 Telephone bill
——-
$410

Gee… I’m spending too much, well.. it’s gonna be only for the next two months, after that, I am out of here.

Yesterday was a very weird day again, I spent like 3 hours chatting with Luis Antonio. He’s definetely coming back to Venezuela. He’s very bitter and sad although he might seem happy and dandy, it’s only a facade. That’s one of the things he told that impressed me the most. It’s sad he blames me for everything that happened, but I think he might know whose fault it was, and he’s just trying to soften the burden. Everytime I talk with him I’m closer to the exit. Although I might not want to.

I do have to. I want to start living my life. Away, from all this. I was content. I wasn’t happy.

After that I spent hours on the phone, fisrt talking with Peter, then with José and finally until like 6 am with Antonio. All about what I’ve talked yesterday with Luis Antonio and about what’s been going on in his relationship.

I don’t feel like writing now.. It’s very sad.. I’ve got many things to say… but I can’t acomplish right now what I would love to..

On sunday morning I was supposed to go with Enrique to a concert. In the morning when he called me he told me that his family was going too and that we could meet there, until that point I though we were going together. I tend to keep away from social reunions like those, and having to go there all by myself was pretty boring itself. So at the last moment, I decided not to go. I made the mistake of not calling him and not telling him I didn’t went, and of course he got pissed off. Maybe he doesn’t know me well enough…

I emailed Luis Antonio a few days ago :
Hola Señor,

Le escribo para decirle que lo quiero mucho, y para recordarle que puede
contar conmigo si algún día necesita alguien con quien hablar, o si algun
día se siente solo y necesita un amigo. Espero que se recuerde de mi aunque
sea de vez en cuando. Hay tantas cosas que quisiera decirle, pero ya no
tengo ni idea si le importan o le interesan.

Hasta hoy nuestra relación fue la que más me ha marcado. Gracias por
ayudarme a vivir momentos tan bonitos al compartirlos con Ud. Espero, más
adelante, poderme enamorar tanto o más de lo que me enamoré de Ud.

Espero que se esté divirtiendo, esté viviendo y aprendiendo todas esas
cosas de la vida que lo llenan de alegría. También espero que le vaya
espectacular en su vida y en sus relaciones. No me olvide completamente. Ud.
está presente en mi corazón.

Por más que no lo quiera hacer, siento que en este momento tengo que
decirle adiós al Luis Antonio que amé, para poderle dar paso a un Luis
Antonio amigo, con quien pueda compartir otras cosas que de no ser así me
dolerian mucho y no pudiera entender. Siento mucho que nuestro amor no haya
superado todas las barreras que interpusimos, pero espero que podamos
continuar juntos al menos siendo amigos.

un abrazo,
Luis

He read it but never replied.

I had a magical conversation. This guy from Miami started to talk with me throught ICQ and I found out he has been in the same relationship for 30 years, coming from gay people this is something extremely hard to come by, but I’ve realized that it can happen, and I’ve seen it a few times already. Even though it’s dependent on others, I’m quite sure that this is one of the goals I have in my life. To love and be loved, by one special person who will together share our lives.

I wonder, where can I get some LJ friends? well.. maybe it’s just a matter of narcisism, I write my diary for myself, and I don’t want anyone that treats me on a day to day basis to know about it, because then I will end up not being true to my journal and that will be counterproductive, but still I want some people to read about it, and maybe post a comment from time to time. I need to be charming, I need to be fun, I need to make some LJ friends.

They day is finally over, well.. a few hours ago actually, I’ve been in front of my pc doing some stuff.. I feel much better now