Month: July 2002

Yesterday after going to the gym I came home with the intention of just relaxing and playing warcraft 3. I was interrupted by a phone call. It was José Luis, he wanted to go out to have dinner together, I agreed although I really wanted to stay. We went out and ate .. guess what? chineese food. Like at midnight I arrived, and just as I was walking into my room the phone rang, it was Enrique. Everytime I go out with José Luis, Enrique gets upset. He starts saying nasty things about José Luis. I used to agree sometimes with him, because sometimes I feel my privacy invaded. But yesterday he pissed me off, he sounded like a jealous boyfriend. I think I need to take some actions for this not to happen again. But I’m not sure what to do. Should I, next time Enrique starts saying nasty things about José Luis, stop him on his tracks by saying that both are my friends and both deserve respect?… mmm… what to do?

I just woke up, I’ll go today with Belen to the DEX. A governmental identification office. Ewwww !. Ugly place, long lines, dangerous part of town.

8:30

I arrived from the gym like an hour ago. Usually I don’t go or stay at the gym this late, but today I stayed home playing warcraft, and well.. Time passed by.

I sit here, thinking about that I feel lonely, but I know there are several people that I know that would love to go out with me, or talk or do whatever with me. But, I don’t feel like doing stuff with them all the time. I feel like I need something else. But it has happened that when I have that something else, It looses value fairly quickly and ends up boring me too.

So, what would it be ?.. what do I need ?.. I need to do something about the depression…

update : 10:25

I’m watching on HBO the movie Osmosis Jones, I like it ! 🙂

I just woke up from an awful nightmare, it seems I was staying at Luis Antonio’s home for some reason and at the moment noone was there. Suddenly Cesar (a guy I met in Mexico) arrived, he came to visit me. We were talking around and I was showing him what I’ve been doing lately and how much more muscle I’ve gained since I joined the gym. Later Luis Antonio and his family arrived, first his mom was complaining I let the pasta that was boiling in the kitchen dry out, it looked odd, cause it still had water in the pot, and a sponge floating on top.

After that I was looking out a window, and Cesar came from behind and hold me tight, I felt unconfortable, we talked for a while. I said that Luis Antonio after all wasn’t that beautiful. Later on Luis Antonio saw us and he made some comment, I tried to release from the hug. After that I was explaining to Luis Antonio’s parents that Cesar and I weren’t boyfriends and nothing happened while we were out, to which Cesar got upset and left. I stayed on the window looking for him, and I saw the bottom part of the builing we were on, it was a hotel, and lots of people were entering and exiting the place.

After a while Luis Antonio went into his room, and iI followed him, he went to the window and I came and hugged him from the back, we fell down to the bed, and I tried to kiss him, he was sucking on a lollipop, and I was able to taste the sweetness of it. At that moment I saw his face, it was full of a blister-like rash, I asked him about it and he told me he got it swimming in Cumaná (this was the climax of the nightmare). I don’t remember anything else.

Haven’t talked with him in a while. I miss having someone to talk to. Having someone to care about.

Gee.. I haven’t been writing daily in my journal, I must comply !

This is the first grade Kanji lesson:
kanji｜Hiragana｜　Romaji　|　meaning
一　→　　　いち　→　ｉｃｈｉ　→　ｏｎｅ
右　→　　　う　　→　ｕ　　　　→　ｒｉｇｈｔ
雨　→　　　あめ　→　ａｍｅ　　→　ｒａｉｎ
円　→　　　えん　→　ｅｎ　　　→　ｙｅｎ，ｃｉｒｃｌｅ
王　→　　　おう　→　ｏｕ　　　→　ｋｉｎｇ，ｒｕｌｅ，ｍａｇｎａｔｅ
音　→　　　おん　→　ｏｎ　　　→　ｓｏｕｎｄ，ｍｕｓｉｃ
下　→　　　か　　→　ｋａ　　　→　ｄｏｗｎ，ｂｅｌｏｗ，ｄｅｓｃｅｎｄ
火　→　　　か　　→　ｋａ，ｈｉ→　ｆｉｒｅ
花　→　　　か　　→　ｋａ，ｋｅ→　ｆｌｏｗｅｒ
貝　→　　　ばい　→　ｂａｉ　　→　ｓｈｅｌｌｆｉｓｈ
学　→　　　がく　→　ｇａｋｕ　→　ｓｔｕｄｙ，ｌｅａｒｎｉｎｇ，ｓｃｉｅｎｃｅ

Tired, need to sleep. Will keep on studying tomorrow.

Only blocks you see ?, Japanese Language support on your browser :

Absolutely nothing is going on.. nothing besides small advances in my research about neurotransmitters, and learning a little bit more of japanese… I wen’t to Belen’s home today, had a nice day, played warcraft a few times.. had a nice dinner with her, she’s a great friend and I’m very proud of her.

Yesterday actually I never made it to Belen’s home, instead José Luis finally convinced me about coming here. He stayed until 2:30 am, we talked about lots of things, and we played computer games, it was nice, he’s a nice guy, and it shows a lot that he likes me very much.

I don’t know what I need, inside of me sometimes everything stirs up, and I have a conflict that I don’t know how I am feeling, is it anxiety, stress, depression, hunger, nervousness.. what !? I’ve had this strange feeling inside most of the day.

Haven’t heard anything about Luis Antonio in a week or so, I still miss him very much.

Well today is saturday, José Luis called me but I told him I was probably going to go to Belen’s house so I couldn’t go out with him, I don’t think I will go though. I feel down, I haven’t eaten yet, and I haven’t received my check card yet, so I’m kinda low on funds.. I feel lonely, how much I wish I could reach some sort of normality in my emotions.

I found out some new info about depression and nutrition, I’ve been thinking that my depression problems might be somehow related to my nutrition, or maybe a defiency of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, to raise the levels of the norepinephrine I should ingest the aminoacid called tyrosine or phenylalanine that gets converted into it, also vitamin C and B6.

Nutrient Dose Directions
L-Tyrosine 500 mg 4 to 10 capsules per day in 2 or 3 equal doses on an empty stomach
L-Phenylalanine 500 mg 1 to 3 capsules per day in equal doses on an empty stomach
Vitamin B6 50 mg 1 capsule 3 times per day
Vitamin C 1000 mg 1 capsule per day

I’ve been going over what I wrote yesterday about José Luis, I think rather than him causing and effect on me, it’s probably mostly from my depression, sometimes I do get bored of people and I do need to be alone, it happens to me with everybody, I need to dig deeper into this…

Went to the DEX (where the government process your identity card), they told me I have to go to he one in “el centro” (downtown), I don’t wanna go there, i’ll try going to another office of the dex next thursday.

I’m getting bigger and stronger I believe, I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and I look bigger, I’m happy for that and I wanna keep going to the gym, not only here but when I start college, I believe Johnson & Wales University has fitness center and a pool, also they have several sports clubs, although I’ve never been too good at sports.

I received news from Johnson & Wales University, they said that the credentials evaluator is on vacation and he/she will review my file next week !!!

Okay.. this is weird.. Last night I had an ear ache, I think I have an infection in my right ear canal (external acoustic meatus), and I couldn’t sleep very well, I woke up like at 7am and I thought about going to the gym early, I went to sleep again and ended up waking at noon, soon after José Luis called me, we were supposed to go today to try on new eyeglasses for him, and I was going to take him to the shop where I bought mines. So we ended up agreeing to meet at 4pm at the gym where I’ve been going. Instead of me going early to the gym I decided to play neverwinter and talk on the phone and I ended up leaving home at 3:30 pm or so.. I thought, well, I can always go to the gym after meeting with José Luis and looking for eyeglasses.. Well, I arrived at 4:30 pm and we went to the shop and he tried on a lot of eyeglasses, and after we were done we ended up eating cinnamon rolls in a fast food place. After a while, I was feeling uncomfortable and I felt like I have been with him enough already and I decided it was time for me to go, so I told him I was going to the gym, to which he reacted weird, I thought he didn’t wanted me to go, and I tried to say goodbye but he followed me to the gym. When I tried to open the door it was closed, I had fogotten the close at 5pm on festivities. At that moment I felt really bad, because of two things, first because I coudn’t go to the gym and 2nd beause I was going to be stuck with him for the rest of the day. He’s a nice guy and everything, but I feel uneasy when I’m around him, I can’t explain why.

I ended up going with José Luis to Peter’s house and helping Peter with his computer, it was a visit I had to do, because I’ve been not paying too much attention to Peter lately. After that we ended up going together to a “carrito de parrillas” and eating there the three of us.

I understand how sometimes, when you don’t like someone 100% you can push yourself to be with that person and even to have sex with that person just for the things you can get from him, I have no alternate interests in him, and I’m not a person who is willing to be with someone based on interests alone, and probably even though I find him a very interesting person, I don’t feel like I want to be around him all the time.

I undestand this sounds like being evil, and I don’t want to be, but that’s how I feel and I can’t deny it.

Ate twice today, usually I don’t eat two good meals in one day. I ate chinesse food the two times. After that I went with José Luis to a video arcade, we played silent scope and we played the house of the dead together. He’s a nice guy, he could be a nice boyfriend, but I don’t like him that way, I feel uneasy when I am with him, I don’t know why, I just feel that way.

Been thinking about visiting Antonio this weekend, I do want to go and visit and meet Kumashi, but I don’t know if I will have enough money, since they cancelled my check card it’s been kinda complicated and I don’t want to spend all the money I have.

Luis Antonio is out of my life, I must remember to keep it that way. At least until he changes for the better.

I’m scared.. Luis Antonio told me today that he’s going to come to Venezuela next week,, 🙁