Cabudare 2006

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On the bus, back to Caracas. I’ve been for the past 3 weeks staying at my ex-ex’s place in Barquisimeto. Amazing in itself, because we’re good friends, and to be back and spend time with him it’s an enjoyment in itself. To look at him and see how he has changed in some ways or yet stayed exactly the same in others through the almost 9 years of our friendship. He’s older, bolder and tougher, or at least he appears to be. Still carrying a bundle of broken memories that eventually will heal, at least enough to regain hopes.

The highlight of this trip as he put it is that we fucked. Yes, he fucked me 3 times, I blew him a few. I took his load a few times as well. It’s been so long since I’ve had this kind of sex. I mean the sex in itself was okay. But, maybe was that I desired him so much, that it made it special. I loved it. I even got to try to fuck him. For me the highlight of the trip was that we showered together, he was drunk, so his tight grasp was looser, we kissed a lot, we touched each other and made out for quite some time. I wonder, does the real Antonio feels the need for making love?

I have so many things in my mind. Can’t really focus on something specific.

I wanted to have sex last night, it was my last night there, it was my last opportunity to be with him sexually in a while. He was tired, I asked him maybe a little bit too much, he got pissed, he was tired.

I fear him. He’s so overpowering. So imposing, so demanding and I am exactly the opposite. I just don’t want to face trouble. Makes me ill. I fear so many things. I can’t face a battle for power, not anymore. I loved being with him, but I hated not being in control.

I can’t live like this. I don’t want to be tougher. I want to be emotional. I want to be soft. I have my own opinions, desires and tastes. Although they get crushed more often than not. Why people can’t see that I mix and match for myself the things that I want. Yes, I don’t follow trends or use the latest brand shit, I don’t care about that. I just happen to love my shoes, and there’s no need to remind me every day that you don’t like them, and I can’t defend myself. Why would I need to defend myself from someone that loves me?

My worst night there was when we went to the disco. I felt so utterly and completely out of place. So vulnerable, and not being able to blend in, to make him proud. Antonio was concerned enough about me and cared for me through the night.

For me. Yes, I’ve changed. Life has made me softer, less sure about myself and a lot less argumentative.

Today he asked me “Why do you have to be so nice with people?” Wow.. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we all were nicer with each other, or do the need to have an Alpha Male? always reminding us that he’s looking, pointing out every time we do something he does not approve. In what fantasy world do I live? Where I can roll up a window because it doesn’t cost me anything instead of feeling the need to use my oppressive power. Most probable I’m the one who?s wrong, because people with or without the intention will sometimes end up abusing you in one way or another and it’s up to you to be able to without fear stand your ground and not do what you don’t want to.

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