Month: August 2004

Went to the doctor today. Told me I’m perfect and I don’t have anything. Wow, he must be a magician, he didn’t gave me tests or anything.. At least they are cheap here only like $35.

Wow… I’ve forgotten how much I liked skating. Finally today, after .. mmm.. let’s see.. like almost a year since the last time I skated, I put on my skates and went around, I did all the chores I was planning on doing in so little time.. hehe.. It’s sooo cool, you go sooo fast.. you don’t get really tired, and my skates rock. Always make people go wow..

Specially in cold weather is cool to skate, cause you don’t sweat that bad, and since you’re wearing a lot of clothing it serves as padding if you fall. Not that I ever fall.

Made and appointment for the doctor tomorrow. I’m gonna prepare a document explaining everything that bothers me.

Last night was cool. Nathan came over, we talked for a while, I think it’s one of the nicest talks we’ve had since we’ve been hanging together. We were drinking vodka that he brought, he talked about his past, he’s not much of a talker though, at least not when it comes to personal things.

I REALLY don’t like to drink anymore, I feel so crappy afterwards, also I don’t like to feel like I’m not in control of the situation, I think I might try pot or something, maybe it’s a better recreational drug than alcohol. Although it doesn’t excite me at all, my brain is fucked up enough without the need of any depressants.

After being here for a while, he had to go to his work. Later I found out it was to pick up some pot. On the way there he did some pot, and his mood made a drastic change, interestingly his mood was elevated and he became all cheerful. I bought some popcorn chicken from KFC and we came back home. On the way home there was this abandoned desk on the street, he wanted to pick it up and bring it here, so he could take it to his place tomorrow, but he was laughing too hard, and suddenly heard a noise and ran away.

We came back home and started watching The Frighteners (with Michael J. Fox) again, and we started to fool around. Rubbing our crotches and stuff, was cool, after a while he prompted to shut off the screen, that was the queue for major sex, which ended being oral, and OMG, I haven’t done oral sex in a while, I forgot how much I like to suck cock, and it’s not just any cock, it’s from a person that somehow I know a little about and we seem to be having a growing friendship, which is cool, despite the intricacies of human nature.

Today I feel crappy because of the alcohol.

Went today to the chinese store and bought a vase for the roses. The look nice on the corner there… got some multivitamins and multiminerals from the store, and I HAVE to start the gym, I think that’s gonna make me feel better.. I FUCKING HAVE TO !!

well.. and want to as well.. hopefully tomorrow I’ll go and check it out

[17:09] mercurytoxic: i’m depressed
[17:09] natez screename: why so?
[17:09] mercurytoxic: why wouldn’t it?
[17:10] mercurytoxic: i have nuffin and noone
[17:10] mercurytoxic: i don’t even have friends
[17:10] mercurytoxic: u know.. i have a big problem ..
[17:11] mercurytoxic: like.. i have very low self steem .. so .
[17:11] natez screename: yeah
[17:11] mercurytoxic: i never feel attracted to anyone.. as a defense mechanism..
[17:11] natez screename: i think we both have that problem
[17:11] mercurytoxic: until they show they are attracted to me..
[17:11] mercurytoxic: after that is when i kinda start feeling attracted to the person..
[17:12] mercurytoxic: does it make sense?
[17:12] natez screename: like you feel attract only to those who are attract to you because they are the only ones there?
[17:12] mercurytoxic: yeah.. kinda..
[17:13] mercurytoxic: i’m not sure why..
[17:13] mercurytoxic: i think it’s cause i know they’re not gonna reject me
[17:13] mercurytoxic: or make fun of my feelings
[17:24] natez screename: why are we so depressed?
[17:27] mercurytoxic: me.. because .. I deserve it
[17:27] mercurytoxic: cause i’m unfit
[17:27] natez screename: thats what we need to work on
[17:27] natez screename: self value
[17:27] natez screename: we think were so worthless
[17:28] natez screename: and we dont deserve anything
[17:28] mercurytoxic: mmhh..
[17:28] mercurytoxic: well.. you have no proof..
[17:28] mercurytoxic: but I have..
[17:28] mercurytoxic: my ex dumped me cause I suck
[17:28] mercurytoxic: and I can’t offer anything to anyone..
[17:28] mercurytoxic: not even a good time
[17:29] mercurytoxic: cause I’m boring and dull

Someone just rang the door, at first I thought.. maybe it’s Nathan.. but then I looked thru the window and it was some guy with a box of roses. I was like WTF…
A huge very beautiful and wonderfully arranged box of roses, with chocolates, roses petals in bag and rose oil.
Of course since I’m depressed my mood didn’t changed much, although got a little bit upset. I read the card. From Roelo. “Welcome to Australia, sorry I can’t be there, but I made a change on my life for the better”
Why I’m a so cold ?

I do appreciate the present (with my mind). But it does not give me a warm feeling, It gives me a feeling of WTF, why he has to do this ?
He’s been a very cool friend and he has helped me a lot, and I’ve enjoyed most of the times we’ve hanged out and done stuff, but this is taking it too far.. I don’t know.. I feel confused…