Month: August 2003

I love when I talk like this with , we were talking about love and then we drifted and suddenly we were talking about how could it would be to live together and love each other. Was soo beautiful, throught the years, he’s shown me how much value he has and what a wonderful person he has grown up to be.

We were dreaming about living together and having the relationship we’ve always wanted, felt so real and so possible. Maybe someday it’ll come true, we just need to keep the idea in the backburner I guess..

I’m sure my love for him can go deeper, I mean, I did love him a lot and still do, and we’ve kept this amazing friendship for around 5 years after we broke up. So we’ve known each other for 7 years, and we still chat about interesting stuff and have many things in common. He has always shown that he’s proud of me in many ways, and I’ve feel the same as well, and with time I’ve learned to accept the things that i didn’t in the past.

So, could there be a second season for & . I’m not sure though, but if it happens, I’m DAMNED sure we’ll make our biggest effort to love each other immensely and have everything we’ve always wanted, this time together.

Can my ex-ex, , be my immensely loved boyfriend? could he have been there all the time and I haven’t realized it? Well, I would be VERY happy if he was the one because I already love him heaps, and would be more than pleased to share my life with him.

Babe, just knock on my door and enter my heart when you’re ready. Heal, grow, live, love, hurt and when you’re ready to have the one, enter my heart.

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.. Eat shit and die. !

inspired by

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on another set of ideas..

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[18:10] -> Pizzaman <-: no sé.. queria llamarlo.. pero no se si lo ladillo .. [18:10] (*) Cösmic (*): no... sabe que no.. o deberia saberlo.... [18:10] -> Pizzaman <-: sabe que no lo se [18:12] -> Pizzaman <-: :S [18:12] -> Pizzaman <-: a veces pienso que no somos ni amigos ya.. [18:12] -> Pizzaman <-: que todo eso se lo llevo el palo de agua [18:13] (*) Cösmic (*): nooo señor eso no es asi... [18:13] -> Pizzaman <-: yo siempre lo voy a querer mucho.. [18:13] (*) Cösmic (*): y yo a usted...." de verdad que lo quiero mucho... sueño con estar con él ..

How beautiful is to be intimate with someone you love, I’m lucky to have had that many times in my life. The passion, the happiness, the magic of all it. How romantic, just finished watching 2nd episode 2nd season QAF.

Soon I’ll be happy…

I’ve never told anybody this, and i’m not totally sure where it comes from. But, just today, I realized that I must be pretty fucked up. I was watching the 1st episode of the 2nd season of Queer as Folk (finally), and I saw you know the normal sex scenes that appear in there, well.. everytime i see something like that, in queer as fold, in a porn, on the street or whereever immediately I think about my ex. Like if he was there, doing that. I know it sounds pretty fucked up, and it’s not like if I’d wanted to blame him for those things. It’s just that .. I suppose, that will all the cheating, and all the irrespecting the did towards me, I got traumatized somehow. Those ugly memories don’t leave me. They are awful and cause pain, I wish I’ve never been thru those, and I can’t understand why I stood there and took all that.

I must really hate myself a lot, to be able to hurt myself so much, so often with my memories and my fucked up brain…

A few weeks ago, I chatted with him, he sounded bitter, he was saying something like how people were only interested in sex or sumthing, and that he became just like Brian, don’t giving a fuck about people or sumthing, not sure what he refered to. It scares me so much and it causes so deep impact everything he says. I keep thinking about his words over and over, like if they were really important, but they are not. They are just some sillyness from a 20-something guy who’s lost in a silly world. He’s just nothing, cause we’re all nothing.

With all the changes in my life I feel kinda weird, I’m feeling much better today though. I miss my room and my privacy. I miss being able to be nude the whole day. Or to sleep if i wanted.

Luis Antonio was online today. He messaged me and we chatted for a while. He was wondering if I was going to Caracas. We didn’t talked for long thought, and most of the time I spent it looking for a phone number so he could get online from his new parent’s home. I wonder how he’s doing.

I’m sooo jet lagged, been all day like a zombie. I’m staying at Jon & Tyler’s right now. Will be here for a few days until i find a place of my own. Also I need to find a job. Geez..

So well.. today I flew from Tokyo to Miami. Had a mishap cause missed the flight from tokyo to St. Paul, where I was going to meet with , and they redirected me to Detroit, connecting there to Miami. the bad part was that I had to wait 6 hours in Detroit, and that after a 11 hour flight, and then the flight to Miami was delayed.So it took me like 20 hours to reach my destination.

The last few days have been okay, Luis Antonio has been in my mind with more insistence than usually.

I hadn’t had time to update my journal cause i’ve been travelling around, but i just want to remind myself about my dream about myself and talking about where I went to …

How sick is that.. I am here.. in Tokyo .. in an internet cafe.. making myself feel bad .. cause I’m asking enrique how is Luis Antonio doing..and he’s telling me about his boyfriend going to visit him in Venezuela, and going out to clubs and stuff.

I’m so stupid.. I am such a dumbass.. damn..