I’ve never told anybody this, and i’m not totally sure where it comes from. But, just today, I realized that I must be pretty fucked up. I was watching the 1st episode of the 2nd season of Queer as Folk (finally), and I saw you know the normal sex scenes that appear in there, well.. everytime i see something like that, in queer as fold, in a porn, on the street or whereever immediately I think about my ex. Like if he was there, doing that. I know it sounds pretty fucked up, and it’s not like if I’d wanted to blame him for those things. It’s just that .. I suppose, that will all the cheating, and all the irrespecting the did towards me, I got traumatized somehow. Those ugly memories don’t leave me. They are awful and cause pain, I wish I’ve never been thru those, and I can’t understand why I stood there and took all that.
I must really hate myself a lot, to be able to hurt myself so much, so often with my memories and my fucked up brain…
A few weeks ago, I chatted with him, he sounded bitter, he was saying something like how people were only interested in sex or sumthing, and that he became just like Brian, don’t giving a fuck about people or sumthing, not sure what he refered to. It scares me so much and it causes so deep impact everything he says. I keep thinking about his words over and over, like if they were really important, but they are not. They are just some sillyness from a 20-something guy who’s lost in a silly world. He’s just nothing, cause we’re all nothing.