Month: January 2003

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
— Click Here To Take The Test —

Well, lately I’ve been very evil, I haven’t updated my LJ for a long time.. THAT SUCKS DONKEY’S ASS. But it’s cause I’ve been busy.. working, studying…. HAHAHA .. NO WAY … I’ve been busy chatting !!.. yeah.. that’s the sad truth.. I haven’t been able to update LJ because everytime I sit in the computer there is a bunch of people to chat with, so I end up telling the stories about what happened during the day to them.

Am I the only one who ONLY when is alone dances around, makes funny faces on the mirror and talks to himself, giggles, yells, cries, drools and makes all sort of weird things?.. cause I’m very used to act crazy when I’m alone.. but.. when I’m with somebody else I would never act that way

I’ve been working so hard on this dumb project, I don’t even know why I am doing it (because I need to hand it in) or doing so much work (cause I’m enjoying it, I get to play with Access, Excel and mySQL) . The group Im in is supposed to be of 6 people and I’m the only dumbass who is working on it (I’m enjoying it anyways, and I can do the whole project just the way I want, and I don’t have to explain anything to anyone). Well, I guess I am a smartass and I have an aswer for everything, DON’T I !?

smartass
dumbass
shithead
ugly
your momma

Shit. Shit. Shit.. and more Shit..

Everything is just a waste of time, I’ve gonna die alone anyways and noone will care.. Why am I wasting time & money doing shit if it’s not going to do any good anyways, damn it ..

My brain is fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it ..

I’m horny, and not just horny as in I want anyone to jizz on my face, or I just want to suck cock, or be buttfucked left and right (although I miss all the fun that those activities convey), no matter where it comes from, I’m not like that, and it’s not even the complications that those activities represent, because I guess the solution will be to use protection. For me is just something different, I don’t feel attracted to just anyone. I feel attracted to very specific people, very few, the ones I choose or on the other hand let me choose them. I long for cuddling on bed, for hugging and feeling the warmth, for being sure of what is felt.

Seems like everyone around enjoys the warmth of a body sleeping at their side, a body you can cuddle up to, a body you can hug and you can rest assured that is not thinking about betraying you.

9:00 am
In reality at this moment I was sleeping in the plane, in a kinda of unconfortable way (sitting straight), woke up at 4:30am to catch the flight from Ft. Lauderdale that will bring me to Boston.

10:00 am
Well, here we are @ the Washington airport where I am doing a stop before heading to Boston, to later take the train back to Providence. This were a very interesting two weeks, I did plenty of things, met new friends, got a nice tan, cooked a lot of yummy things, and also got to spend two days with my best friend Belen and her husband at Ft. Lauderdale too. It was a very drastic change from staying with Jon & Tyler, for whom life seem to go at a more calm pace. Belen and her husband were a lot more hectic, consumist kinda behaviour. It’s nothing that I criticize, in reality, but I’m just pointin out the drastic change.

Jon & Tyler’s experience was very uplifting, enlightning and normal. They’ve always lived outside of the gay lifestyle, although they have been gay longest than anybody else that I know of.

12:15pm
Well, just got to Boston, now I need to stay here and wait for the “Bonanza” bus that will take me to Providence, I wanted to take the train but I’ll have to take the subway to the train station and my bag is too heavy for that kinda walk, I rather wait an hour for the bus (1:30pm).

Since I ran out of aminoacids a few days ago while I was in Jon & Tylers and I didn’t found any on the pharmacies I went to I resorted to buy St. John’s Worth. I’ve never tried it, and so far so good I’ve only been taking it for a couple of days and I haven’t been feeling too bad. The first day I took them, at night I had nightmares, I don’t think they are related, but just a coincidence, the evil subject in the nightmare was Luis Antonio of course, who else.

I don’t really remember the nightmare at this point, I think it was the usual he cheating on my in front of my face, but that happened in reality anyways.

Gee.. I wonder if I’m bitter after all this, from time to time my postings seem to focus on him, like lately, after the breakthrough in my analysis of the past.

Well, since I have an hour to kill before the bus arrives I’ll just keep rambling here.

What about my mom. I didn’t said merry xmas to her, I didn’t said happy new year. Well I guess that all those common sayings most of the time don’t mean anything, they are not really special for me. Unless they mean something in particular, or I’m specially thankful or things that happened. Well, I guess I’m very thankful to her for being way out of the norm, for being a special person that has her own personality and doesn’t fit and tries not to in the society that surrounds her, yes, that’s amazing .. I know… but also has isolated me, learning those patterns of behaviour from my parents and not teaching me when I was a child how to deal with other people have isolated and have made me partially a shy person. I know now I’m old enough to find out what patterns or behaviours about myself I don’t like and I would like to change but it’s not as easy as it sounds, actually it’s way more complicated, because at least for me have taken 30 years to find that I had depression for example, well, I just don’t know, I guess I’m slow.

I wonder how the mixture of aminos and St. John’s Worth is going to work, cause seems that the latter helps in reducing the breakdown of the neurotransmitters, and the first are the building blocks of them, so maybe It’ll be a nice combination.

4:16pm
Just got to the dorm room from the trip, damn bag was too heavy, already hooked and chatting left and right…

It took me 4 years, but I finally figured it out. My ex boyfriend was a gold -digger :

gold-digger:
young man or teenager, interested in landing an elderly or wealthy man for a stable gay relationship.

Finally there were lots of things from the past that I was able to understand, behaviors, his upbringing and why it was so easy for him. But I realized that it was nothing new for him, for him what was new was a long term relationship, but sex for money (short term or long term benefits) was what he was used to. From his teenage years living in the streets befriending prostitutes and homeless kids to all the lies and mysteries his life was engulfed in and that he would never seem to get straight.

I feel relieved that finally I was able to understand, finally I realized I didn’t pushed him into anything, it wasn’t me after all, I didn’t do anything wrong, it was his nature, something that from the beginning he was not able to fight with, be cause he is just who he is.

Just came home from the beach, was playing on the low tide beach, the one you have to cross under the highway to get there, I played with Darwin and Quilly until all of us were tired, for hours it seemed. Was really wonderful and now I am tanned .. happy and dandy .. even though I ran out of aminos a couple of days ago.

My skin is kinda dry, I need to go and buy moisturizer.

Yesterday menu was thai, green green curry over jasmine rice. Composed of coconut milk and assorted veggies. I took a lot of sun yesterday, and I’m getting a little bit more tanned, hurray for tanning, I love it. In the afternoon we went to visit Viscaya, is this HUGE mansion that was constructed by a guy who had loads of cash. Check it out Vizcaya.