Today was a very weird day, and somehow I feel different. Most of my day was spent arguing with my ex-boyfriend about why everything went the way it did. Why he left me, why he cheated on me, why everything and why nothing. I realized many things, but most of them where about the lack of depth of this understanding, and his lack of interest in analysis. Just one very basic person, whose basic interests were about sex, money and fun. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being basic, maybe sometimes it’s even better, because the lack of deep though about things gives you less grieve and sadness. But it’s just that I’m not like that, and maybe it was too late that I realized how he was.
He talked about how difficult was life with me, about the problems we had living at home with my mom. And how complicated that was for him. I understood that, and I agreed with him, it was hard for him and hard for me too, but just he didn’t made it any easier for me, he never helped me, he wasn’t really interested in me I suppose. He was just used to be with me. Until he found something he though was better. I’m okay with all that, what I will not forgive is the lack of honesty and respect I deserved and never got.
At the end I feel I was used, and my love was abused. Maybe not completely on purpose, but mainly because of the lack of principles he has. This chapter has ended. We met, we loved, I lost, I won.
Now I have my independence back, and although sometimes I feel loney, I know there are lots of people who REALLY appreciate me and really know that I am a person that has depth, a person they can talk to, and from whom they can expect something with meaning and objectivity. They love me because of who I am, and not because what I’ve got.
Even though this has been my longest relationship to date, I know that something really good is waiting for me, sometime, somewhere. I know I will be happy, and my wish, that wish that has always been with me, will come true. Hopefully before I die
Peter had the idea of me having a journal, and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time. I need to organize my thoughts. I need to have memory, and this is a good way to have all that.
I love my friends, everyday they mean more to me, and I have to remember that next time I have a relationship. Even though I can love someone with my whole heart, (something that I am proud I can say) . I must remember not to put my friends at a side, and be there for them , be consequent with them, and do simple things like remember their birthdates and that sort of things.
I’ve learned many things in my life, and there will always be more to learn. But I am happy I am good, and being good is one of the things that made me proud of who I am and what I’ve done.
I love you Luis Aranguren, I really do.
I’m proud of you, Luis.
That wasn’t an easy conversation, I’m sure.
You’ve learned so much in the past year, I’m glad time has treated you well.
I hope that this journal will help you understand yourself, and others, like it has for me. :o)
Your friend,
Ben