Month: June 2002

Yesterday, finally after months I went out dancing. This time to Fussion, a gay disco that is about 5 blocks from my home but I’ve never went before, it’s very big compared to the usual gay ghetto that we are used to. The place is a theater during the day and a gay disco at night,The music wasn’t that great and the dancers show sucked, but overall it was a very nice experience. I tried to relieve how I felt in Mexico, but it didn’t worked, in the end at around 5 am I couldn’t stand the depression any longer and I just came home. I was telling myself that I need to forget about the past, forget about the past, forget about the past, I need to live right here and right now.. I need to live the present, I need to live the present…

I felt much better than the usual, mainly I think because I didn’t drank any beers at all. I just drank ciclon energy drink and that kept my energy levels high during the whole night. I’ll never ever drink alcohol again when I go to a party. Also I guess was due to the fact that I’ve been going to the gym, and that has boosted my energy and mood.

It’s not because I don’t like my friends or anything like that, I love my friends very much. But what I would love to be doing now is to be near the one I love and maybe be cooking something or planning something we could both do together, maybe watching a movie, or going to dinner.

Today I declare that is the weekly “I miss Luis Antonio Day”. I’m off to Belen’s to help with her computer. Someday I’ll be happy.. I’ve wished that too many times of it not to become true.

I just wish he felt the same, if he did.. then nothing else would really matter..

I just don’t understand why I think about him so many times a day, it’s weird, with time I’ve realized how much he hurted me, and how many things he did that were inconsiderate and hurtful for me. But I still miss him so much, and it’s probably because behind all the bad stuff, there was something very deep that at least I felt that joined us. I’m very sorry he’s not here, and I’m very sorry all that empathy, buddy, and all that deeply rooted love (at least from my side) is no more. I will surely miss him very much, but I don’t want it to keep on hurting for a long time, that is not going to fix anything, what is broken will keep on broken, and what is broken is my heart.

Everything got me tired today, the gym was great as always, ate some junk food afterwards and later on talked with Peter and picked him up, as always he made his tantrum about anything and everything he could. Not a very special day, I just got tired.

Another weird day today, after a great day at the gym (I got tanned because it was a sunny day), and also as always I had my SHORT steam bath that removes all impurities from my skin, I went to Enrique’s place and had lunch, after that I went with him to his music course and I had a great time there too, very good singers mostly opera. After that Enrique convinced me to go again today to Café Arabica. I knew his new boyfriend was going to be there, he was one of the guys that Luis Antonio dated while we were still boyfriends, and either he didn’t recognized me or he didn’t remembered about me. The thing is that I felt awkward because I felt the deja vu of seing him kiss Luis Antonio, and I felt angry at Luis Antonio again.. and again .. and again..

Besides that ugly moment, overall it was a nice day..

Since I added the word GAY to my ICQ info the group of people who has been contacting me dramatically changed, from teen girls to gay guys, if I knew this I would have done this long time ago.

Descubrí un grupo de chamos japoneses tipo Hanson que se llaman Kinki kids ! 🙂 .. hehehe.. me gusta la canción Kanashimi Blue, Kanashimi es tristeza.

Kanashimi Blue
Kanashimi ni kuchibiru yosete
kuchibiru ni te wo kazashite
Masshiro na kokoro wo somero
chikazuite mou zutto soba ni

uh~ dakishimeru kono ude no naka
konagona ni natta kimi ga ita yeah
Nee kokoro goto no no
waratte okure BEIBII BEIBII FEISU
Sono hoho uzumete kurereba sore de ii

always lovin’ you
KANASHIMI blue no no no
Ai no KATACHI KISU de musunde
memai ga tomaranai kurai ni

Kanashimi ni kuchibiru yosete
kuchibiru ni te o kazashite
Mou ichido mahou o kakete
madowasete sono kuchimoto ni

uh~ dakishimeru mayonaka no GITAA
guchagucha de kiita ano uta wa yeah
Nee kokoro goto no no
oku e itte oku e itte
Dakishimeru yawarakaku dakishimeru
sono BEIBII BEIBII FEISU
Namida nagasazu ni iru no wa totemo fui

always lovin’ you
KANASHIMI blue no no no
Ai no KATACHI tashika na KATACHI
kimi wo omou kimochi still I love you

** Kanashimi ni kuchibiru yosete
kuchibiru ni me o fusenaide
Masshiro na kokoro wo tokasou
torokeau sou koi no you ni
Kanashimi ni kuchibiru yosete
kuchibiru ni te wo kazashite
Hanareteku BOKURA o motometa
hi wo tsukete sono kuchimoto de

Kanashimi –>　哀しみ
哀 <-> grief　－－＞　アイ　=　ai
し <-> shi
み <-> mi

Rather uneventfull day today, went to the gym and then spent the rest of the afternoon with Enrique, went to have lunch together (chinese food again) then came to my home, later in the evening picked up Peter and went to Café Arabica and had tea and a chocolate croissant.

Que tan pequeño es el mundo, Enrique se acostó ayer con Luis “el bailarín”, con quien Luis Antonio fué novio por un par de semanas… ser gay es un poco decepcionante.

Watashi wa hana desu.
私わ、華です。
Watashi wa geiboi desu.
私わ、ゲイボイです。

jour·nal (jûrnl)
n.
·A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary.
·An official record of daily proceedings, as of a legislative body.
·Nautical. A ship’s log.
·Accounting.
·A daybook.
·A book of original entry in a double-entry system, listing all transactions and indicating the accounts to which they belong.
·A newspaper.
·A periodical presenting articles on a particular subject: a medical journal.
·The part of a machine shaft or axle supported by a bearing.

I just arrived from Belen brother’s home, Josí… He has always asked me for help with electronic stuff, especially with computer equipment, basically because of two reasons, 1st because he knows i’ll do it for free, and 2nd because I’ve always been good fixing this kinda problems. It was nice to sit there and talk with him and also it was cool because I was very fast fixing the problem. Like always, me helping people around, basically my friends, although usually anyone who asks for my help gets it.

Do I ever have fun ?.. real fun like laughing and stuff, yeah I guess so.. Not all the time, usually I’m very neutral in my feelings, unless something bad happened or I’m thinking about the past.

Also Josí’s wife told me that Rhode Island is very beautiful, I’m extremely excited that I’m going there, I hope everything works out fine, and finally I achive success.

More or less eventless day, waked up early, went to the gym, came back, another huge chinese meal. This time with Lo Mein Noodles, chicken and veggies. Also today, Peter came back, as I predicted he was knocking at my door, I tried to explain him the better I could that I deserve respect, and I will put that above everything from now on. He cried a bit, and I think I helped him to feel much better, he’s very concerned about his ex boyfriend, but what really is bothering him is the same thing that helpes me get down. Having too much time on our hands to think about stupid things. We’re OK now, I knew it was a matter of time so I really didn’t bothered too much about it anyways, I LUV to go to the gym !, and Enrique is a very nice gym partner.

Deberia comenzar a escribir un poco más en español.

My ex’s brother came to my home today, he needed his computer fixed again. It kinda feels crappy when he only comes here when he needs his computer fixed, but I guess even if I feel he’s somehow a little bit like my little brother, and it’s kewl we share some things in common. As always I ended up talking about Luis Antonio and well.. playing some computer games.

In the morning I got ready to go to the gym but after I was walking on the street I ended up eating a huge chinese meal instead of going to the gym. I need to eat more if I want my muscles to recuperate from all the effort I’ve done lately.