Month: March 2020

Be honest with people,especially friends and friends of Xavier, they're offering an opportunity to have fun together and they're not there to judge you or hurt you. 

Keeping to myself, not engaging only will further away the vicious cycle of isolation -> depression. which deprives myself from one of the most basic of human needs. 

I think that you, by not telling Xavier that you love him, you're just being an idiot when he sincerely loves you.. 

Depression taints everything around with negativity and sadness and blinds you to the good, otherwise making yourself focus solely on only the negative even if it means complaining about the only burnt kernel in a bowl of popcorn. 

I want to love like a child while still able to function as an adult, or behave like one. 

During the experience, the dichotomy between child and adult surfaced quite a bit, the oppressive influence from the adult part of me forces my inner child to restrict itself from surfacing and this curtailing creativity, fun, spontaneity, happiness and only leaving depression, anxiety and fear. 

But why? why do you have to do anything ? why I forget? 

Remember all this ! Because this is how to enjoy and have fun Because if you're so scared of getting hurt then you don't go out and play. 

The ability of psychedelics to decouple the default mode network, which is associated with high order cognitive functions from the medial temporal lobes which are associated with sensory input processing. This separation, I imagine, caused the increased insight into my habitual behaviors , the dissolution of boundaries between myself and the world, and the so called ego dissolution.  Which gave the ability of my “true self”, the unrestricted, child-like , fearless self to come out and ask myself to go out and play. 

don't be an idiot in a prison in solitary confinement just because you're scared.

This relates to my pervasive to view that I live in this self imposed isolation with the obvious, self harming consequences. 

Why I talk in 3rd person, when this is all me?

maybe it's easier to keep thing separated this way, because it hurts less.

But if you love more. It'LL HURT LESS! Love more and do pretty things with Xavier🐾

He's a pretty cool guy! I approve him lots

Who am I? Who is writing all this? 

This is you, and you are cool and people for whatever reason like you. 

You are allowed to go outside and make friends, and play! 

This reassurance from what felt like an authority figure, felt honest and truthful.

At this point in the session, I went to the bathroom and in the child-like state, the sense of wonderment about simple things, like how interesting the mechanical waste bin, or intense colors were, all filled me with happiness.

Experience started by taking 2 grams of mushrooms orally, they were grounded to a powder and were kept in the freezer, 

I was asked to measure them myself, I think that involving the patient in the process is a great idea, gives you a sense of power and decision. We talked for a little bit about random subjects and when the Therapist sensed that it must be time he asked me to lay down, while he sat on the other side of the room. 

The beginning of the experience was a little bit like being drunk and/or about to fall asleep, but with a little bit of apprehension, I was scared what would happen if I fall asleep let go. I was scared that I would fall asleep and miss the work that I should be doing, it took me a while to understand that in the mind there is no sleeping. Once I let go, I felt a sense of connectedness that I haven’t felt ever. I felt that I was part of the world, and even if the house and walls were still there because I could see them, I felt they were not dividing, but instead I could see the trees moving, I could feel the music, I could enjoy the smoke coming out of the chimney, I could feel the wind roaring. 

I think that’s where my ego,, the defensive-intellectual executive function part of my mind finally let go, my mind was finally clear, my movements fluid, and my true self  was able to finally come out. – Many thoughts were running thru my mind, from just enjoying watching the trees move and finally understanding why people love music, because I could see and listen the beauty of it. 

But I was concerned I wouldn’t remember the important and deep thoughts that my true self, the one not clouded by the overbearing ego, was sharing with me. That’s when I asked the therapist for a notebook, and I started writing. My arm felt fluid, my writing smooth and my thoughts flowing. 

These are the messages I wrote to myself. 

so don't forget how awesome everything is and tell Xavier I love him a lot. 

THERE IS NO SHELL

this is in reference to what I call shell or “clenched fist”, to the feeling that my mind at some times is not open,able to think clearly, able to relax and let go. In a continuous cycle of ruminating thoughts. 

Feel connected! because even little mistakes don't matter

the feeling of being part of the world and that there is no mistakes because everything is part of everything 

you have nothing to prove anyone. 

that pervasive feeling of inferiority, when in reality I am many good aspects of myself. 

Remember to have fun! and share the fun with Xavier instead of being all miserable and grasping to the little bits of joy you sadly can't reach from the inside of your shell. 

Don't be an asshole and share kindness and happiness with people because that is what every one wants. See if you can help spread around that. It'll make everyone happy and make yourself more cool. 

This is in reference to my dreams from childhood of being / becoming one of the cool ones and how can that be easily achieved by being nice to others. 

Don’t be selfish Don’t be jealous 

IT'S FINE!!  Really!

It’s hard for my ego to understand then so I wanted to make sure to pre-emptively give reassurance.

I know you still don't trust me and you're going to go back in there . 

Ego is powerful and well developed modern human part of the self that lives in the pre-frontal cortex. He wants to be in control to protect me, but there is very little to protect me from anymore. The bullies from school are not here, the thieves from Caracas are not here, my physically abusive brother is not here, my uninterested father is not here, my well intentioned but verbally and sometimes physically abusive mother is not here, I was smart. enough, resourceful enough and wise enough to leave all that very for away..