My ex-boyfriend smokes. We only see each other like once a year but we still talk on the phone almost every day. He tried to quit smoking a few months ago unsuccessfully, he’s been smoking for like 12 years. He would love to have a new state of the art computer but he’s broke. I’m not rich, but I can buy one for him. So.. I thought.. what if ..
I motivate him to quit smoking by buying him the computer of his dreams, and when I’m saying of his dreams it means…
- AMD Athlon 64 FX-62 with AM2 Socket
- 2x ASUS EN7900GTX/2DHTV/512M Geforce 7900GTX 512MB GDDR3 PCI Express x16 Video Card in SLI config
- ASUS M2N32-SLI Deluxe Wireless Edition Socket AM2 NVIDIA nForce 590 SLI MCP ATX AMD Motherboard
- 2GB Corsair DDR2 800
- 2x 250 GB Sata WD 7200 rpm HDs in raid 0
and well.. all the rest, like gorgeous case, DVD burner, etc.
We talked about this a few weeks ago and we haven’t really agreed completely about ground rules to follow regarding the deal. For example the length of time without smoking? what would happen if he starts smoking again? and when will he stop smoking.
One day we were chatting and since we didn’t remembered the agreement real well, I started writing it down for him.
- This is not for me. There is nothing I’m gaining from this, except maybe seeing you smile.
- The objective it to motivate you from not smoking anymore.
- I wanted you to stop smoking gradually, so I thought about a having a little time before actually ordering the computer so you have the chance to stop smoking gradually. You can set this amount of time at your own leisure. I’ll suggest a month or two.
- The minute I invest in this deal is when the deal starts running. and the deal is:
- You will stop smoking for at least a year (that is 365 days) from the minute we order the computer. Would make me and your body proud and thankful if it was for longer.
- If you can’t uphold the deal for whatever reason. Stress, exams, death, etc. I would like to know in advance, I’m trusting you.
After this I asked him for some help on what to do if he can’t uphold the deal, after that hell broke loose, we argued some and then he said ” Once again, my part of the deal is not something I have a major problem with. Mostly because I do want to quit smoking and this could be the right motivation to finally do so. My problem is mostly with you making this an uncomfortable situation for both of us by complicating the process, therefor ripping apart the whole emotion behind getting a new computer.” to which I replied “… let me put it this way.. if when you get your new computer it is broken .. and doesn’t work.. that will make you sad and ripped off. Sadly, if we disagree in the rules and something goes wrong, I will feel the same. I just like to be proactive and figure out the quirks and details of what is going to be. Think of it as a pre-nuptial agreement. No one likes them, but you agree that it’s something that’s necessary to go thru sometimes.. (honestly i hate them)”
This is something that I have been told before in different situations, but I really don’t understand what’s so unhealthy about setting up some ground rules to work with, yes maybe it stripes it from some excitement, but it gives you a solid bedrock to work in.
What’s your take on this ? Do I have trust/control issues ? am I just a lawyer wannabe ? Would you do this ? if yes then how would you?
Yes you have control issues, no I wouldn’t do it.
I don’t think you have control issues. You can’t do something like that without rules.. otherwise the implied sort-of-half rules will just crumble, you will be giving them a gift, not an incentive and he’ll keep smoking.
However, if you think he wont manage it then is this a very good idea at all? Should he give up smoking for his own reasons and it’s own incentive? A PC shouldn’t be a weight forcing him to stick to something… he’ll might end up resenting it and possibly whoever gave it to him. Or vice versa you’ll end up resenting giving it to someone who didnt keep his side of the bargain…