Month: May 2005

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So I’m Sad. the guy I didnt wanted to go to the theater with stood me up,I’m glad, although still annoyed. Well, he’s the one who wanted to go in the first place, and I didn’t cared much about it.
But well I’m sad.
Err… this post is pointless because Ihaven’t done anything major lately

So.. Two days ago it was my birthday..

Although honestly I wanted to stay in Baquisimeto hanging out with , I thought it was enough of me imposing and I decided to come back to Caracas and spend my birthday with my mother.

I took the bus back from Barquisimeto at 12:45 am for the ~5 hour trip. The last couple hours were spent talking in a car with and , they both seemed a LITTLE more comfortable with each other while having me there. I do wish they are able to keep the friendship and make it stronger. They are both wonderful people, and I enjoyed spending time with them.

One thing that I’ve been thinking about that moment is something charmed said the day before that. He commented on how i shouldn’t be putting myself down, and how I should not scare people away being too upfront about my flaws with people I don’t know. That’s to say the least obvious, I don’t think I am too straightforward with my own problems to people I don’t know. But I felt, on that moment in the car, that somehow I was the target. I felt I was being put down.

This is something that has happened throught my life, people have joked about the way I am. Maybe the fact that I laugh about it, and have a honest desire to find out what and why they think what they think does not help much. Well.. the conclusion was that I am weird. Whatever that means, and however that helps or damages myself in other people’s eyes.

At midnight they both hugged me, I wish I had been with each other by themselves, or they’ve been together without me. It was fun though, although not as warm as I would’ve like it to be.

One ramdom thought that I haven’t been able to fully understand is.. I felt guilt of going out with while I was visiting , I mean I was staying at ‘s place and is my closest friend. But I did wanted to meet as well and spend some time with him. I mean, we’ve been online friends for two years and I’ve grown to like him even though of their breakup. Also I felt guilty of liking him a little too much maybe?.. well.. I mean the kid is gorgeous, smart and interesting, there’s no way for me not to like him, but that it. I’m not looking for anything else and would never let anything else happen. Why not ?… Because I care too much for Charmed to hurt him like that, and I’m SURE I will NEVER let myself hurt him that way. ? I like to be his friend, I want friends. Close friends, deep friends. I like friends. Maybe I think too much.. I think … my guilt of liking ‘s exboyfriend is what made me cry the other night, but how can I not like him?

I was cooking.. and I thought..
.. he has a strong character, and the time he’s fallen in love the most is the time when he met his match, character wise… Charmed has also told me that he doesn’t like guys that doesn’t have desires and interests, and their own will, u know .. the “yes love, whatever you want love” type.

Yes, while I was there I was trying to hide the fact that I was very eager to go out with . I tried not to care and I tried to hide that I was very happy when he agreed to go out. I felt as if I was hiding something from , and I didn’t liked to feel that way. I truly didn’t liked that. Specially because I love , I love him very much.

That’s another thing I’ve been thinking about.. Do I like him a little bit too much?.. I guess I do.. and is that a bad thing ?.. Yes it is … it’s just like with my ex.. I develop such a crush on people that it hurts, and it ain’t healthy. Mmmhh.. that’s beacuse I have nothing better to do, really …. If I was busy, I wouldn’t have the time or interest in thinking too much about others. But.. I guess it’s normal, I mean I’ve always been in love with him, I saw him after 3 years, spent some time with him and enjoyed a it a lot. I guess it was expected.

Well… after I arrived at Caracas I took a cab home, I was full of energy and very excited about my weekend. It was my birthday, after a few hours in Caracas I started to get sad, and I kinda regretted coming back or at least not convincing charmed to come to Caracas with me. I felt alone, again.. without that close friend at my side. Later in the evening my exbf’s mother called, she said she was going to come, so she and her husband and my ex’s little brother came and we had cake and talked for a while. It was fun, although my ex’s brother asked me what was going on and why I looked so sad.

After everybody had cake and talked their asses off, ELB* and me went out, he was in the mood to party and I wanted to do something and not let my birthday slip by unnoticed. We tried to go into LOFT (centro comercial san ignacio) but I was wearing sneakers and t-shirt. So in the end we ended up going into a gay bar called in&out. Crappy place. But we had fun and drank a lot, he was into some girl that we ended up stalking.

After coming back from the disco, we started joking around going to the beach, as we joked more and more the idea seemed less crazy, specially for him, and he ended up convincing me. Like at 3am we went to his place, to pick his swimsuit, while we were there.. I was so drunk and it was soo dark that I bumped into a wall and got a bump on my forehead. I was falling asleep half of the drive there, and the fact that he was speeding most of the time didn’t bothered me that much, althought there were times when I got kinda scared. We arrived to the beach at 7am and we had to wait for a while to take the boat that would take us to out final destination, playa caracolito.

I got sunburnt, I’m red all over .. we drank some wine.. and horsed around on the water, I had a lot of fun.. well.. I have to go ..

*Ex’s Little Brother

The time before the last that I saw was in september 4th 2002. I wrote this..

Special note for Antonio:

Antonio ya habremos llegado a nuestros destinos al momento de que leas esto. Te quiero decir que siento un agradecimiento inmensamente grande por tu demostración de cariño. No pude expresar cuanto me emocionó el poder verte otra vez. Sábes que te amo, no puedo esconderlo. No me sentí solo a tu lado. Sentí que volvía a tener a una pareja. A alguien a quien amo a mi lado. Tanto como te amo estoy feliz, porque he visto que al lado de Kuma un Antonio más sensible, vulnerable, frágil ha aparecido. Estoy orgulloso que hayas conseguido a alguien que te ame, que te respete y que quiera enfrentarse al mundo a tu lado. Que bonito el cariño que demuestras que le tienes, como cuando ves su foto y rozas la yema de tu dedo por el borde. Te deseo mucha suerte con él.

It’s funny how my feelings for him have never changed in the last 8 years.

So.. yeah .. I haven’t been updating much. Lately I haven’t been feeling like writing, sometimes too much going on.. sometimes too little. But one thing is true.. I love . This last weekend I decided to go and visit, he lives around 300 kms away, so I took a bus and 5 hours later I was there.. after 3 years I see him again. So much memories. I stayed at his place, in his room… the same room where I used to spend months on end in 1997, when we still were boyfriends. I couldn’t help to want to hug him all the time. It was just too much for me. Like nothing had changed and I was there on one of my frequent visits.

But many things have changed, for one, he’s deeply in love with . Long story short, boy meets boy, boy fucks boy for the first time, boy falls in love with boy forever. And well.. I know there is no place in his heart for me, besides our deeply ingrained friendship, which as it is.. it’s extremely cool.

I enjoyed so much spending time with him. We talked and talked and talked and talked, we played CounterStrike (he was pwned), I owe getting a Wow account so I can play with him, we smoked like whores, we ate outside and at his place, although I don’t remember watching him eat. I stared at him so much, and we slept together, as in sleeping, although I got to hug him for hours and hours while he was sleeping, it’s incredible the enjoyment I obtain from that, for me it’s just priceless.

He was very reserved at times, not watching me while I removed my clothes, but I know he was doing it on purpose. Also not changing clothes in front of me and stuff like that. I guess for me time doesn’t pass the same as for others, and well.. I enjoyed. There were very tense moments as well, all because of our main topic of conversation, his ex boyfriend.

I’ve been interested in meeting his exbf for quite some time. For many reasons, and I know that took a toll on charmed and me cause the situation was not totally comfortable. Meeting him was totally cool and I enjoyed it a lot. I wish I had more time to get to know him a lot better, time will tell.

I love very much. Our friendship is stronger than ever and he’s my best friend. There’s not a lot more I could ask. Maybe to live in the same place, to share more time together IRL, and well.. maybe.. someday.. and stuff… be his husby stuff.