I don’t even know how many days have passed already, it’s li

I don’t even know how many days have passed already, it’s like when I’m in love.. I loose track of time and space.. don’t know what I’ve been doing.. don’t know how I feel anymore… I’m on the verge of tears but don’t know for sure the reason. It seems like everything wen’t downhill, don’t know since when… I don’t feel happy, I can’t cry … although I want to.. my tears aren’t coming out.

I feel lonely, but I don’t want to be around people, not even around my friends. Sometimes I make excuses just so I can stay home.

Having to wait for the acceptance from Johnson & Wales is a two edged sword, on one side I feel anxious because I don’t know if I am going to be accepted (I *think* I am going to be accepted, but how can I know?), and on the other side, being accepted will mean leaving Venezuela, and that’s the last thread of hope that Luis Antonio and I will be back together. Although it’s something that my brain tells me as a BIG NO-NO, my heart stills aches for him, I miss him so much, it’s incredible… (he finds it stupid that I still miss him, he told me that 1st I was like the girl in fatal attraction and 2nd He’s happy he’s not dead because I would’ve never let his soul rest) . Well, I feel like loosing breath when I think about cutting that last thread of hope.

Even his own brother told me that I should not even consider not going to college because Luis Antonio supposedly might come back to Venezuela.

Also I miss very much, he hasn’t been online, he hasn’t wrote in his journal in a long time, he hasn’t called, and he hasn’t anwered my calls. Although I understand him, because he is under the spell of love, I still miss him.

I feel lonely, there is noone to talk to that I know. Noone to call at 3:30 am … I don’t feel like sleeping, I don’t feel like playing computer games, there is no food to eat, I already drank more than enough water, I jacked off already too. I sound pathetic… I wanna be happy.. I’ve wished this so many times… since I was a little boy, I’ve consistently asked for the same wish evertime I toss a coin into a well. The wish have always been “I want to be happy”, well… I’m still waiting..

I am scared.. of me.. of people.. everybody hurts.. sometime.. they end up hurting.. always..