Month: June 2002

I just arrived, I was at Peter’s making the Tabouli, finally. I bought some babganouch and pita bread so we had a nice dinner. I still feel like if I had no energy though, but at least I got to go out for a while.

I guess today is my depressive day, I feel like crying and I don’t know why. I feel trapped. I’m still working on having everything ready for college, but I still have to wait until I have all the necessary documentation to send everything, and I’ll have to wait until July for one of the U’s to be able to give me those documents. I feel like that’s the most intelligent path to take at this moment. I’m sorry for the things I did wrong. I wish I knew better

Finally I too a bath, I still feel slow and clumsy, haven’t eaten yet. I’m gonna go to Peter’s house and make some Tabouli for both of us, he has been asking me to prepare some for a couple of days and we haven’t had the chance yet. Still need to buy some green onions and mint though.

That’s one point I totally agree with Luis Antonio, I take too much time to make decisions and to produce results, especially when I feel like I feel right now. It’s not that I feel that there’s no point in doing anything, I just feel like if there was no energy inside my body ( I wonder if it’s because I haven’t eaten anything, not even water since yesterday’s afternoon ). Am I punishing myself ? or it’s just that I’m so used to this that I feel like if I couldn’t change it.

I talk and talk and talk, since last night at around 11pm I’ve been talking with different people and besides that, I slept, that’s all I’ve done. I haven’t bathed, I haven’t eaten, I’ve talked. How much of all those things I say and people tell me do really mean anything or really change my perspective of the world?.

You know what .. I am happy.. and I feel like there is still hope… and someday .. somehow .. I’m gonna be.

What is love ? When does love start and when does it end ?

I was talking with a friend, his relationship (that lasted 3 years and some months) ended a couple of weeks ago. He is dating a new guy, and they already became boyfriends. Now, he was asking me on whether he should tell his ex about this new found love or not. He’s afraid about the reaction of his ex when he tells about the new boyfriend.

Isn’t love about caring, about respect, about friendship ? or is it just about sex and having company ?

Can you love someone you just met ? or it’s just some stupid infatuation that will develop into something else (love or not) later in time. I’ve seen this happen many times.

I believe when someone is supposed to be the most important person in your life, because you are sharing your life with him, it’s obvious to me that that won’t end just because you hate the fucking guts ot your ex. The love continues, or at least that’s what have happened with me.. I’ve kept on loving and I still do.

Things will get complicated from here on, my brother just arrived home, hope he doesn’t stay long. I can’t wait until I go away. I don’t understand why I stayed here for so long. I feel like if a new weight was added on my back.

The episode involved a letting go, a feeling of closure, a sense of good-bye. This was in no way frightening or terrible, but in fact, it was peaceful and warm, and added a sense of richness to my experience of life.

Feeling Good
David D. Burns, M.D.

It’s weird that it took me so long to realize that depression has been with me since childhood. Even though distintively I remember that I lost my “smile” long time ago, I never related this to being depressed. Ignorance is the worst enemy. While I was abroad in Mexico I was really looking forward to fight back, but since I came back to Caracas, again I feel sucked by the void.

I’ve had the strength to make some plans, and to realize that I need to get away from this environment as soon as possible. I need to get out of all this, and I need to finish college, definetely. College is something I’ve always wanted to finish, but due to many circumstances depression among them, I wasn’t able. About going away, it’s something that i’ve never considred of vital importance, until Mexico when I realized that, even though I still had to cope the things that take me down, I knew I can fight back, but I need a better environment to be able to accumulate enough strength.

Luis in
ルイス　－　Katakana
るいす　-　 Hiragana
ruisu – Romaji

有名　　－ Possess reputation (kanji)

私は、 － I am (Kanji + Hiragana)
ゲイボーイ　－　geibo-i (Katakana for Gayboy)
です。 － desu. (Hiragana, polite link added at the end)