30th… and the 34th..

So.. Two days ago it was my birthday..

Although honestly I wanted to stay in Baquisimeto hanging out with , I thought it was enough of me imposing and I decided to come back to Caracas and spend my birthday with my mother.

I took the bus back from Barquisimeto at 12:45 am for the ~5 hour trip. The last couple hours were spent talking in a car with and , they both seemed a LITTLE more comfortable with each other while having me there. I do wish they are able to keep the friendship and make it stronger. They are both wonderful people, and I enjoyed spending time with them.

One thing that I’ve been thinking about that moment is something charmed said the day before that. He commented on how i shouldn’t be putting myself down, and how I should not scare people away being too upfront about my flaws with people I don’t know. That’s to say the least obvious, I don’t think I am too straightforward with my own problems to people I don’t know. But I felt, on that moment in the car, that somehow I was the target. I felt I was being put down.

This is something that has happened throught my life, people have joked about the way I am. Maybe the fact that I laugh about it, and have a honest desire to find out what and why they think what they think does not help much. Well.. the conclusion was that I am weird. Whatever that means, and however that helps or damages myself in other people’s eyes.

At midnight they both hugged me, I wish I had been with each other by themselves, or they’ve been together without me. It was fun though, although not as warm as I would’ve like it to be.

One ramdom thought that I haven’t been able to fully understand is.. I felt guilt of going out with while I was visiting , I mean I was staying at ‘s place and is my closest friend. But I did wanted to meet as well and spend some time with him. I mean, we’ve been online friends for two years and I’ve grown to like him even though of their breakup. Also I felt guilty of liking him a little too much maybe?.. well.. I mean the kid is gorgeous, smart and interesting, there’s no way for me not to like him, but that it. I’m not looking for anything else and would never let anything else happen. Why not ?… Because I care too much for Charmed to hurt him like that, and I’m SURE I will NEVER let myself hurt him that way. ? I like to be his friend, I want friends. Close friends, deep friends. I like friends. Maybe I think too much.. I think … my guilt of liking ‘s exboyfriend is what made me cry the other night, but how can I not like him?

I was cooking.. and I thought..
.. he has a strong character, and the time he’s fallen in love the most is the time when he met his match, character wise… Charmed has also told me that he doesn’t like guys that doesn’t have desires and interests, and their own will, u know .. the “yes love, whatever you want love” type.

Yes, while I was there I was trying to hide the fact that I was very eager to go out with . I tried not to care and I tried to hide that I was very happy when he agreed to go out. I felt as if I was hiding something from , and I didn’t liked to feel that way. I truly didn’t liked that. Specially because I love , I love him very much.

That’s another thing I’ve been thinking about.. Do I like him a little bit too much?.. I guess I do.. and is that a bad thing ?.. Yes it is … it’s just like with my ex.. I develop such a crush on people that it hurts, and it ain’t healthy. Mmmhh.. that’s beacuse I have nothing better to do, really …. If I was busy, I wouldn’t have the time or interest in thinking too much about others. But.. I guess it’s normal, I mean I’ve always been in love with him, I saw him after 3 years, spent some time with him and enjoyed a it a lot. I guess it was expected.

Well… after I arrived at Caracas I took a cab home, I was full of energy and very excited about my weekend. It was my birthday, after a few hours in Caracas I started to get sad, and I kinda regretted coming back or at least not convincing charmed to come to Caracas with me. I felt alone, again.. without that close friend at my side. Later in the evening my exbf’s mother called, she said she was going to come, so she and her husband and my ex’s little brother came and we had cake and talked for a while. It was fun, although my ex’s brother asked me what was going on and why I looked so sad.

After everybody had cake and talked their asses off, ELB* and me went out, he was in the mood to party and I wanted to do something and not let my birthday slip by unnoticed. We tried to go into LOFT (centro comercial san ignacio) but I was wearing sneakers and t-shirt. So in the end we ended up going into a gay bar called in&out. Crappy place. But we had fun and drank a lot, he was into some girl that we ended up stalking.

After coming back from the disco, we started joking around going to the beach, as we joked more and more the idea seemed less crazy, specially for him, and he ended up convincing me. Like at 3am we went to his place, to pick his swimsuit, while we were there.. I was so drunk and it was soo dark that I bumped into a wall and got a bump on my forehead. I was falling asleep half of the drive there, and the fact that he was speeding most of the time didn’t bothered me that much, althought there were times when I got kinda scared. We arrived to the beach at 7am and we had to wait for a while to take the boat that would take us to out final destination, playa caracolito.

I got sunburnt, I’m red all over .. we drank some wine.. and horsed around on the water, I had a lot of fun.. well.. I have to go ..

*Ex’s Little Brother