Suicide

Soo.. I’m feeling shitty today. Tyler committed suicide the night before last. He was having trouble breathing because his liver was growing due to cancer, although if you’d seen him on the street you wouldn’t have noticed he was so sick. He was taking painkillers and drinking vodka to keep the pain down I guess. Jon is really sad. I have mixed feelings about everything and I have no one close enough to talk to. It sucks ass. Tyler was the closest person I had lately. We used to spend all day together, whether going to bear cut, the swamps, the park, the supermarket, or all the other places we usually did on our rounds. I’m gonna miss him a lot, and I’m dreading that, I’m gonna feel more lonely than usual.

This is the first time something like this has ever happened close to me. Having a friend commit suicide. It’s weird. For one, I feel good that all the things that he didn’t liked cease to create grieve to him. But one part of me wonders, could I have done anything to save him ?.. well.. I guess maybe… but .. I guess it was his decision, and the only reason I would have saved him would have been for my own selfishness of having a friend with me. I have to learn how to let go.

Very few people I’ve told about it so far. Most of the on line friends I have don’t know.

This is what death looks like, this is aging, this is sickness and surrendering to fate.

I drew a lot of motivation from Tyler. He helped me be happier and he was someone non judgmental to talk to anytime. I know I helped him be happy for a while. I had cool ideas of where to go and how to have fun. Together we discovered the swamps, the sushi picnics, we got stopped by police, and we would jump the fence to cross over to bear cut.*cry break* He encouraged me to go out with the kayak, and to keep cooking even if sometimes my dishes didn’t came out perfect.*cry break*

He was madly in love with Jon, everyday he would wake up to make Jon’s juice and breakfast, walk the dogs, feed them, take care of the house and also deal with me. I lived with him for 8 months, and many times I thought of him as, if I ever had another boyfriend, I would like him to be like Tyler.

I wish I had someone to talk on the phone with, but i guess i haven’t worked on making any friends in here.. it’s harder than I thought it would be.

Jon&Tyler as I knew them, ceased to exist.